Like a tall, overpaid Rip Van Winkle, the NBA has awakened from the long slumber it calls the regular season. There will be no more phoning in games, no more 2-Ball exhibitions and, mercifully, no more Denver Nuggets.
It's time for the players to get focused, for the fans to shell out $20 a hot dog and for idiots like me to use the jokes they've been saving for months.
Don't worry; I'll leave Marv Albert alone.
First Round
*Bulls-Nets: Playoff intensity brings flared tempers, as Chicago's Dennis Rodman and New Jersey's Keith Van Horn demonstrate during a Game One argument.
Afterward, Van Horn accuses Rodman of spitting on him. Rodman, who is black, claims that Van Horn, a young, white forward from Utah, called him "the n-word."
Van Horn denies nothing.
"Yes, I did call him a 'nasty-looking woman,'" Van Horn concedes.
The next day, Rodman, clad in a revealing mini-skirt, thanks Van Horn for the compliment; 1,800 miles away, Rick Majerus resigns as coach at the University of Utah.
The Bulls sweep, 3-0.
*Jazz-Rockets: Playoff intensity doesn't carry over to Van Horn's former home state, where Charles Barkley, usually fired-up in April and May, acknowledges that his Rockets are going nowhere.
The Round Mound of Rebound throws his hat into the political ring, endorsing Utah in its effort to knock off the Bulls. He lets Karl Malone rub his bald head for luck; in return, Malone pledges 10 percent of his future earnings and 50 batches of his beloved Rogaine to the Barkley-for-Governor-of-Alabama campaign.
The Jazz win in a landslide, 3-0.
*Heat-Knicks: While the Knicks ready themselves for postseason basketball without Patrick Ewing, Miami's P.J. Brown prepares by studying tapes of Hulk Hogan.
Over-under on Alonzo Mourning's postseason technical fouls: 9.
Over-under on wins by the Ewing-less Knicks: 1.
*Sonics-Timberwolves: As the Heat and Knicks make war, Minnesota's Kevin Garnett and Stephon Marbury preach love.
The young phenoms, after one look at the Seattle cheerleaders, seem only to know five words: "All nude... yeah, tastefully done."
With the Timberwolves' attention diverted, the Sonics go to work, winning in four.
*Pacers-Cavaliers: Shawn Kemp vs. Larry Bird and Reggie Miller. A blowout, right? Wrong.
In a series that fittingly concludes around May Day, Cleveland's Vitaly Potapenko ("The Ukraine Train") and Zydrunas Ilgauskas ("The Litvak Limo?") hearken back to their Soviet days, especially with the pride of Western Europe, Rik Smits ("The Invaluable Invalid"), hobbling. Cavaliers in four.
*Lakers-Blazers: It's the Thugs vs. the Mugs.
Mike Dunleavy, coach of the "Jail Blazers," tries to beat L.A. by shutting off the TV cameras. Once the bright lights are off, Dunleavy figures, the attention-starved Lakers will go into shock.
But when Rasheed "Boom Boom" Wallace and J.R. "Sleazy" Rider spot a cop on their way to cutting the network's cables, they panic. The series gets televised and the Lakers advance, 3-1.
*Hornets-Hawks: After examining these teams' playoff histories, the NBA invites the Pretenders to sing the national anthem.
The Hawks swept the Hornets during the regular season, but Atlanta's edge slips away when Dikembe Mutombo sprains both index fingers, losing the ability to perform his patented finger wave. The Hornets, suddenly unafraid, sneak by in five games.
*Spurs-Suns: Finally, NBC has found the matchup it has been waiting for: Will Perdue vs. Clifford Robinson. Don King offers a nickname-The Oh-Fer vs. the Loafer-but gets rejected when he demands half of the TV revenues.
Instead, Phoenix guard Rex Chapman turns the series into his own show. He sinks 10 three-pointers in one game, makes the million-dollar shot at halftime and teaches the Suns' gorilla mascot a new set of dunks.
Spurs coach/GM Gregg Popovich responds by firing half of his team.
The Suns roll, 3-1.
Conference Semifinals
*Bulls-Hornets: No one gives the Hornets a chance-not even the Hornets. Anthony Mason shaves a white flag into his head, and the fans in North Carolina get one last look at hometown hero Michael Jordan. Bulls in four.
*Heat-Cavaliers: NBC executives try valiantly to cancel this series, even threatening to broadcast "Heidi" in place of the opening game.
NBA commissioner David Stern refuses to call off the series, but accepts the "Heidi" offer. Stern cites a lack of interest from sponsors; the only one ready to buy commercial time is Consort hair gel, which has huge money and a pound of its product riding on the heads of coaches Pat Riley and Mike Fratello.
The referees struggle to stay awake, succeeding only because Mourning won't leave them alone.
The Heat has an easier time than the refs, advancing in six games.
*Jazz-Suns: This series brings excitement to Utah, with the return of Phoenix coach Danny Ainge to the state where he played his college ball.
It can't bring excitement to TV viewers, who reject Utah's team-oriented brand of basketball. The league thinks about dressing the players in Sonics and Lakers uniforms, but John Stockton just doesn't look enough like Shaquille O'Neal.
Stockton can play ball, though, and he and the Jazz cruise, 4-1.
*Sonics-Lakers: NBC thinks its prayers are answered, until Shaquille O'Neal's agent reveals that O'Neal is scheduled to shoot a movie in Europe and cannot play past Game Three.
With O'Neal, the Lakers flounder and fall behind, three games to none. They are written off, but Shaq's departure reveals a startling fact: the Lakers are a better team without the big guy.
Free to run, Nick Van Exel, Eddie Jones, Kobe Bryant and friends stun the Sonics and win the series, 4-3.
L.A.'s comeback delights NBC. After all, by the conference finals, Shaq will be back.
Conference Finals
*Bulls-Heat: When the Heat falls short of the 60-point mark in Game Two, Stern suspends Heat coach Pat Riley for attempting to destroy the game of basketball.
Riley strikes back at the commissioner with a string of insults. Stern considers more severe punishment, but instead goes with the unbeatable "I'm rubber, you're glue."
While Riley searches for a retort, Jordan embarrasses Mourning one last time. The Bulls reach the NBA Finals again, 4-1.
*Jazz-Lakers: Shaq is back, but he can't get a hold of himself.
Although the Lakers' gifted center wants to win, he's too busy laughing at Utah's Greg "Big Pantry" Ostertag to notice that a playoff series is underway.
As if losing weren't bad enough, L.A.'s Kobe Bryant has his fake ID confiscated at a Salt Lake City bar. Since the violation happens on a Sunday, Bryant gets jail time.
The Jazz triumphs, 4-1.
NBA Finals
*Jazz-Bulls: Rodman, desperate to get inside Karl Malone's head, hits the library to do some research. He learns that in certain countries, the mailman doesn't deliver on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday or Sunday.
Malone is unfazed. He guides the Jazz to a pair of victories, and though Chicago wins three straight at home, misfortune strikes the Bulls when they return to Salt Lake City.
First, Jazz owner Larry Miller, a devout Mormon, smashes Rodman with a Bible-reminding the Chicago forward how tough "those f--king Mormons" can be.
After the Jazz wins Game Six to even the series at 3-3, Malone and Stockton go to work. They put twice as much rat poison in Jordan's food as they did before last year's Game Five, and this time, the Bulls' superstar succumbs. He posts only 34 points and 12 rebounds, as Utah ends Chicago's reign with a Game Seven victory.
Following the series, a mass retirement ensues. Jordan, Malone and Stockton hit the links. Clyde Drexler coaches the University of Houston. Barkley hires Reggie White as his speechwriter.
Only one star, it seems, cares about playing basketball.
At a press conference to announce his new, multi-year contract, a choked-up Dennis Rodman gushes: "I love this game."
Dave Berger is a Trinity senior and assistant sports editor of The Chronicle.
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