The Chronicle

Issue date: 8/24/07 Section: Columns
Last update: 8/24/07 at 9:29 AM EST

Kristin Butler

To the Class of 2011: You probably don't know it yet, but you are the luckiest Dukies on earth. Whereas the rest of us only have three, two or (gasp!) one year left, you still have all four. What I wouldn't give to take your place and do it all over again.

That, alas, is not a possibility. But if it were, I would want to do lots of things differently. The following tidbits would help.

Let's start small. You've probably heard that Duke students are required to complete five "graduation requirements." If not, memorize them now: (1) have sex in the library stacks; (2) have sex in the gardens; (3) explore the tunnels beneath East and/or West Campus; (4) scale the dome of Baldwin Auditorium; and (5) drive backwards around the West Campus circle.

To be totally honest, I've never heard of anyone tackling the last two. Save your energy for the first three, and pursue them with abandon. But do keep in mind that penalties for getting caught range from traffic citations to campus judicial action, and you do not want a piece of the latter. Godspeed.

Oh, and one aside on having sex in the stacks: As a former library employee, I promise that Perkins Level D is not a "sneaky" place to go for it, even at 4 a.m. The security guards know the lights are not supposed to be turned off, and if they catch you they may post your name and photo for all to see. How embarrassing.

Now you may be wondering, in the wake of our lacrosse controversy, whether it's a good idea to spend much time in Durham. The answer is absolutely. Durham is a charming little city, and there are great places to eat (including merchants not on points), unique sights to see and authentic Southern drawls to hear. Let's face it, you'd never get to learn on campus that "Nawth Cackalacky" is slang for North Carolina, so go out and experience the South on its own terms. Rewards will be forthcoming.

There are, of course, a few exceptions to this rule. As any upperclassman can tell you, Durham police often don't let the constitution get in their way when making arrests. Be careful when venturing off campus after hours, and for God's sake don't antagonize the Trinity Park residents when you do. Shockingly, they don't appreciate it when Duke students pee on their lawns, and they're liable to do something about it.

Also, you should know that there's lead in the water here, along with "slightly" high levels of two ominous-sounding organic compounds (trihalomethanes and haloacetic acids). I'm told that the on-campus risk for students is fairly low, but bladder cancer is not something I take lightly. So drink with caution. Or just drink bottled. Your choice.

Continued...

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