I'm a bit of a history buff, particularly when it comes to military history. So, imagine my delight at the growing interest in World War II among Illinois politicians. First, there's now-former Gov. Rod Blagojevich:
"Impeached Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich tells The Associated Press that his Dec. 9 arrest on corruption charges 'is what Pearl Harbor Day was to the United States.'
'It was a complete surprise, completely unexpected. And just like the United States prevailed in that, we'll prevail in this,' he said in an interview today in Chicago"
Jeremiah Wright, the minister who cares so much about black America that he almost single handedly prevented the election of the first black president, is also fascinated with the second world war, although he seems fixated on one event in particular:
"We bombed Hiroshima, we bombed Nagasaki and we nuked far more than the thousands in New York and the Pentagon, and we never batted an eye."
Wright [took] time out to note the thousands of Japanese civilians who died 67 years to the day when American warplane dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima.
That last mention of the anniversary of Hiroshima actually took place on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. Oops. Maybe Blago can set you straight.
All of this got me to wondering how World War II might have turned out if Blago and Wright had been in charge...
The Illinois History of World War II
by Rod Blagojevich and Jeremiah Wright
1931: Japan invades China, claiming that the Chinese had dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima.
1933: According to an FBI probe into the matter, German President von Hindenburg names Adolf Hitler chancellor after Hitler raises $1 million for von Hindenburg's campaign fund.
1938: In a move that will become an infamous example of appeasement, British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain allows Hitler to annex Czechoslovakia's hair.
Sept. 1, 1939: Nazi Germany invades Poland. In response, Britain and France bomb Hiroshima.
1940: After conquering Belgium, the Netherlands, France, Denmark, Norway, Yugoslavia and Greece, the Nazis demand that Great Britain surrender. In response, Winston Churchill utters the immortal words, "A surrender is a f—ing valuable thing. You don't just give it away. F— them. Britain is f—ing golden."
June 22, 1941: The Nazis invade the Soviet Union. Joseph Stalin briefly considers naming Oprah his commanding general.
Dec. 7, 1941: The United States enters the war after Japanese warplanes launch a surprise attack on Franklin Roosevelt's hair.
1942: The tide of the war turns when the Soviets at Stalingrad, the Americans at Midway, and the British at El Alamein, Egypt, all bomb Hiroshima.
July 1943: The Allies take the fight to Western Europe by invading Sicily. That's in Italy, dizzy blond on The View.
June 6, 1944: British, American, and Canadian forces land on Normandy. It is later revealed that, if the invasion failed, Gen. Dwight Eisenhower planned to go on Good Morning America, The Early Show, Geraldo Rivera, Dave Letterman, Jon Stewart, News 14 Carolina, Judge Judy, The Price is Right, the Scottish guy after Letterman, Mike and Mike in the Morning, Rush Limbaugh and a very special hour-long episode of Family Guy to defend himself.
August 1944: The Soviet Union forces Romania and Bulgaria to join the Allies by bombing Hiroshima.
Dec. 1944-Jan. 1945: Americans defeat the last major German armies in Belgium during the "Battle of the Bulge", so named because a map of German positions resembles Barack Obama's ears.
Feb. 23, 1945: In perhaps the most famous image of the war, U. S. Marines, acting against all odds, give Rod Blagojevich a haircut.
July 11, 1945: At the Potsdam Conference, Joseph Stalin agrees to declare war on Japan if Harry Truman will appoint him to the board of a nonprofit foundation or union.
Aug. 15, 1945: Japan surrenders, but claims that the war was a plot to prevent Emperor Hirohito from vetoing an Illinois state tax hike.