Come to Duke!
Duke is, according to Dean Nowicki, an “inherently upper-middle class environment.” So you’ll fit right in.
Duke excels in the arts. The University reserves a derelict tunnel, an “annex” and an entire wall for creative expression.
Speaking of walls, the proliferation of walls covered in faux-stone laminate has begun Duke’s strategic—and bold—transition from a neo-gothic to a neo-neo gothic architectural style. Welcome to post-modernity.
At Duke, student government is serious business.
You get to not walk on beautifully manicured lawns.
Our dorms are now called “houses.” In houses, students get to live in a tiny dorm room surrounded by a bunch of people they may or may not know—you know, just like in a house.
Or, you can pay $4,000 to live in a tent.
Due to construction, beginning Fall 2014 students will be issued their very own customizable hard hats. Get your Greek letters engraved for a small additional fee.
Experience southern culture. Meet students from all across southern New Jersey.
We have a campus in China. That’s cool, right?
Students are guaranteed a job in investment banking. Cost of admission: one soul and/or your individuality.
Duke boasts its own professional basketball team. And—unlike at UNC—you might actually see them in class.
Join a community of scholars.
Experience national scandals first hand. Hell, go ahead and start some.
Come to a world class hospital that has a great university attached to it.
Eat out of a truck.
If you're not sold yet, commit to Duke now and get your undergraduate degree at a 33 percent discount! For a limited time only, $60,000 buys you $90,000 worth of learning. Enroll now before cost of tuition goes up—and it will go up.
In case you couldn't tell, today's editorial was a joke. Have a fun Spring Break!