Blue Devil Nation,

I’m writing to my fellow man here, so if you have a uterus, yoga pants or a brain a third the size of a man’s, please stop reading.

OK, now that the weaker sex is gone, I can give my daily dose of brilliance directly to my friends. Now that V-Day is over, we thought we could breathe a sigh of relief. Women were traveling in troves desperate to find a pogo stick to jump on. On February 15, Desperation Day, we were all so sated with sex that we thought we could never pitch a tent in time for tenting. But now that Valentine’s week has passed and the candy is on sale, everything has changed. Their overwhelming phallic fascination has disappeared completely, and your balls are bluer than the Duke Blue Devil. The ladies have regained some level of “confidence.” But have no fear, boys—we can fix that.

Some of you are probably wondering what makes me—an old man—such an expert on what women need. But you have to remember that women’s lives are run by men. Think about the names: guy-necologist, men-opause, men-struation. Clearly men know how to handle the female anatomy. And that’s doubly true with old politicians like myself. You see, old male politicians are the ones guiding policy, so other men can look to them for advice on how to treat women based on the legislation they pass.

Below are my guidelines on how to treat a woman. The following is my summary of all the best state and federal laws about women from your friendly neighborhood GOP.

1. Don’t treat them as equals.

In April 2012, Wisconsin Governor and fellow Republican Scott Walker tried to repeal the Equal Pay Enforcement Act, which works to close the wage gap between men and women. Wisconsin state Senator Glenn Grothman was quoted as saying, “You could argue that money is more important for men. I think a guy in their first job, maybe because they expect to be a breadwinner someday, may be a little more money-conscious.” I know what you’re thinking, guys: “That’s right. But how does that help me get laid?” It’s all about the mindset, brother. Chicks dig it when you don’t treat them as equals. Think of chivalry. All you need to do is acknowledge that a girl can’t open a door by opening it for her, and she is putty in your hands. And, if you insist on paying for every meal, she’ll realize that she is honored to be with you, a man who has all the power. My boy Scott is trying to get across the idea that treating women as equals is obsolete.

2. Men can’t control their bodies.

Recent statistics show that one in five women in the military are sexually assaulted during their time fighting for our nation. Some would say that this is a travesty of the greatest kind. But Sen. Saxby Chambliss from Georgia would not be one of those people. Men like Chambliss have tried to stop regulation in regard to assault in the military because it’s caused by uncontrollable factors like “hormone level created by nature.” We can extrapolate from this that we, as men, have no control over our bodies. So let’s say you’re at Shooters and a girl is clearly not in the mood. It is your job to press on. I mean, you can’t control yourself. As long as she doesn’t have a boyfriend, yes means yes and no means try again in five minutes.

3. Don’t let women control their bodies.

We have all heard about the nonsense argument between pro-life and pro-choice, but not enough have heard about the fact that Kansas legislators passed a bill that says that doctors must tell women that abortions are linked to breast cancer. The World Health Organization very soon condemned this, but this didn’t stop the bill from being passed in Kansas along with a similar bill in New Hampshire. This shows that women can’t be trusted with their bodies, so we have to control their bodies be it by hook, crook or cancer. So let’s head back to our imagination Shooters. When you’re pumping drinks into a girl, drunk or not, you have to be there to take care of her body. I mean, who else will?

Brothers, our government clearly knows how to treat women, so we should follow their lead. The cycle perpetuated by our Republican legislators is one that acts as a road map for how to get women. So long as we passively allow these laws to stay in place, we are propagating the idea that women aren’t equal to men and, we should treat them as such. Women are nothing without men. Am I Right, or am I right?

Right Wing is pro-life. Except when it comes to war, gun control or the outlaw of trans-fats.