Blue Devil Nation,

With Valentine’s Day coming to a close this past weekend, you would think that we would have been able to take a pause from the loving. But, once again, Duke has shocked me more than Ryan Kelly starting on the Lakers. We have a snake in our midst at Duke, and that snake does anal. No, I’m not making more Dick Brodhead jokes, I’m talking about the oh-so-anonymous student porn starlet at Duke. For those of you who rent a rock with Patrick Star, a current freshman Blue Devil has been performing in pornos for tuition money. She recently agreed to do an interview for The Chronicle under a fake name and honestly talked about her life.

I’m sure many of you are scared and confused about her existence. I mean, a woman having sex?! AND, to top that off, she’s getting paid for it?!! But I am here, my friends, to tell you exactly what to do and think.

When dealing with this Sexaholic Sally, we have to remember that she clearly wants all of this attention. I mean, women have it so easy. If a man has sex, he has to talk about it all the time for people to believe him. But, for women, if you just mention sex, you immediately get fun new names like “whore” and “slut.” So, for our Anal Anna, the fact that she would even allow a camera to be around while having sex means she wanted the whole world to judge and persecute her. So, just for doing porn, we know that she just wanted attention. In an interview she was quoted as saying, “I...love...sex...and...attention.” Clearly, this girl is an attention-starved sex-ophile that just wants to be famous with her anonymous name and flashy career. Mystery porn starlette is also quoted as having told “close friends” at Duke, but didn’t want her identity to get out. But if we put on our Chronicle glasses on, we can see that SHE TOLD PEOPLE. This means that she was begging for people to know about her career. In trying to open up with friends, she might as well have posted her videos on the Class of 2017 Facebook page.

And if, let’s say, she didn’t want this info to get out, then she must be the most naive person on the planet. Besides having told close “friends” about her double life, she also came to The Chronicle. She said she did this because she wanted to get her thoughts out there before someone skewed her story without her consent. Oh, honey. What do you think The Chronicle exists for except to skew stories to fit the agenda of the politically correct, closet-conservative liberal Duke mindset? It’s kind of adorable that she thought that she could open up to people at Duke about issues in her life—especially anyone who writes for the Towerview section of The Chronicle. But what more could you expect from a freshman girl? We also need to realize that her gender is important. If this was a man, we could trust he had thought through all of the consequences. But, because she is a she, the general consensus is that this Backdoor Beth must be a naive girl who likes sex, attention and money (unlike the rest of us).

The only upside of all of this is that the feminazis are divided on this issue. Our Penetration Patricia has come out not only as a porn star but also as a feminist. Claiming that she is able to keep her agency with her porn work, some “sex-negative” feminists have backlashed against our Oral Ophelia. This is perfect because, now, feminists don’t know whether to support their fellow woman for expressing her body or to degrade her for working in a sexist industry. Luckily, the default response has been to just disregard the porn star’s thoughts and just critically judge her.

Every week I refer to you, my faithful readers, as “Blue Devil Nation.” I do that because of a unity and camaraderie we all hold—the fact that we see each other as family and always work together to make sure we all feel accepted and comfortable. So, I ask that of you today: Let us work as a family and degrade this girl. Insult her intelligence, life choices and judge her like it’s the middle of recruitment. A great man once said, “Burn the witches! Save Salem!” I think we can all learn from those words. Am I Right, or am I right?

Right Wing promises that he never watches porn. He just likes to sit in the room with the door locked.