Blue Devil Nation,

We are in the thick of possibly the worst time of the year at Duke. We just had to deal with the Me Too Monologues, Feminist Week is on the horizon and we’re around the anniversary of Asia Prime, so who knows what the Asians have up their sleeve. But there is hope, and all we have to do is look to our Cold War compadres. Yes, the Winter Olympics are underway in Sochi, Russia, and it seems that we have a haven away from the posters that tell me that “no homo” is a no-no. Honestly, I couldn’t be happier with the Winter Olympics. It’s like a mini-American pep rally before we all have to ignore the World Cup. But, as the butterfly effect predicts, if a white man smiles, an earthquake happens in China as a result.

The ethnics are starting to rain on my winter wonderland with talks of “racism” surrounding the 2014 Olympic Games. For those that have avoided the discrimination, the Winter Olympics have had the reputation of being the white man’s Olympics because of factors such as wealth, weather and the fact that African nations didn’t start playing until the 1980s. But people just seem to be turning a blind eye to the white man’s burden. Let’s look at weather. Now the Summer Olympics are hailed for their ability to bring the world together outside of the day-to-day struggles of war and political aggression. But the Winter Olympics are a time for the aggressors to get a break. Imagine having the strength to blow up the world, but not being able to win a game of ping-pong. I mean, we tried adding bulls--- events like trampoline, but we can only do so much. So we need a way to exert superiority to make sure the other nations don’t get cocky with their poverty and abnormally low mile time. And speaking of strength, we have all the wealth, so we should be able to have an advantage. That’s what separates Magic Johnson’s AIDS from the greater part of Ethiopia. For example, look at the difference between the marathon and skiing. Famous Olympic marathon runner Abebe Bikila won gold twice and did so barefoot, so the total cost for sheer athleticism was roughly $0, while taking the lifts alone at some ski resorts can be as costly as $100. I’m sorry, is it my fault Timon and Pumbaa can’t afford to go to Aspen? And if this wasn’t enough strife from the dark ones, we also have to deal with strife within our own color in the form of the gays.

Currently in Russia, there are no gay people. Plain and simple. Unlike here in America, Russians don’t even have to deal with the pandemic that is meticulous grooming and colorful floral patterns. But the gays of our nation do not seem to want to play ball with Russia because of this. To the Rainbow-Americans out there, I have written the following statement:

Come on, guys. Do you really think we have a shot at winning during the summer? I would say that we don’t have a leg to stand on, but, during the last Olympics, we barely beat a double amputee runner from South Africa. And that was just in the semi-finals. That’s why we need the Winter Games where everything is expensive and easy. I mean, look at the sports. Bobsledding is competitive sitting, luge is competitive laying down and curling is legitimately just sweeping. And some of the sports are just pathetic attempts at taking a summer game and making it winter-themed. I mean, speed skating is running, but on ice. And as for the other events, they’re basically just your talents and dreams. Don’t tell me that you don’t have a sequin outfit in your closet ready to figure skate in on a moment’s notice. You can enjoy this and more if you just stay in the proverbial bobsled and straighten up. Don’t ask, don’t tell and don’t forget to smile.

So, to everyone out there, let’s just ignore the problems with the Winter Olympics and just focus on the positives. I hear Jamaica qualified again. That’s so cute. I mean, bobsleds are made from an aerodynamic composite body of steel and carbon fiber, but I’m sure one made from coconuts is just as good.

Am I Right, or am I right?

Right Wing is offended by mimes and does not appreciate people in white face. His Me Too Monologue on the issue was not performed.