Blue Devil Nation,

Recently, during my time pelting golf balls at the impoverished at the WaDuke, I’ve started to hear people speak ill of our beloved President Richard Brodhead. Although the insults have ranged from his incompetence during the lacrosse scandal to the lack of necessity of DukeEngage, the more persistent persecution comes from those that disdain his secrecy. More specifically, because of his ties to secret societies, Duke Kunshan University and DukeOpen, Dick seems to have it hard. But Dick’s not all that bad—and in order to showcase this, I wish to give some perspective for my brother from another hedge fund.

1. Secret societies

Many give flak to Brodhead because of his refusal to crack down on secret societies, which are apparently “sexist” (seeing as no Duke secret society allows female members) and “give unfair advantages to students based on arbitrary levels of status and intelligence.” But secret societies are essential to the fabric of this school. I can’t think of what life at Duke would be like if we didn’t have people in dark robes making various geometric shapes around campus. And to get back to Dick, he can’t be blamed for this because he, himself, is a member of a secret society. For those that didn’t know, in his senior year at Yale, he was tapped to be a member of Manuscript (the premier secret society at Yale if you’ve never heard of the Skull and Bones). Along with alumni like Anderson Cooper (who was in the closet when he was tapped, so no harm, no homo), Brodhead learned the value of being in an exclusive group and that people basically throw presidential leadership positions to anyone that can solve a puzzle like “Under the Footpaths of Many/Lie the True Feet of Few.” (I swear, if someone figures that out please tell me what it means. I’ve been racking my brain about this for almost a year now.) So Brodhead can’t turn on his own kind. It’d be like if zombies started eating other zombies. Of course, it would make complete sense, but it would ruin the good thing zombies have going for them.

2. Duke Kunshan University

Although you may not even know about Duke’s Chinese counterpart, Duke Kunshan University, it’s been a big deal in the past couple years, largely due to the gaping black hole in spending. Now, $37 million being thrown across the globe for the starting operating costs of a campus that not many people approve of may have put Dick in some hot water, but apparently the fact that he failed to tell alumni, students and parents about the project details also made people fairly mad. But, you can’t be mad at him for this because it’s not like he only hid this from the donors. He also hid information from his professors. Professor of German and Eads Family Professor of English Thomas Pfau is quoted as saying, “much of the growing resistance to the Kunshan adventure...stems from the faculty’s pervasive alienation from, and distrust of, a University administration that consistently fails to consult its faculty’s collective expertise.” But this is a faux paux from Pfau. Clearly, my bro Brod is too smart to need to consult the people that are essential to allowing the University to function. Imagine being Jabari Parker on Duke’s basketball team. Yeah, you could pass the ball more frequently and improve the team by promoting synergy. But you’re Jabari.

3. DukeOpen

DukeOpen was the campaign by a coalition of students to force the administration to be more transparent with the monetary spending of the Duke University Endowment. They’re better known as the group that staged an entire protest with giant garbage bags. The main figure that the garbage men protested against was our President. Let’s try and think about this problem from the perspective of the Jabari Parker-esque Brodhead we’ve created. You’re in the paint and you are surrounded by four Syracuse players. You can either dish it out to Rasheed (in this case, consult professors), you could pass it to Plumlee or you could keep to the secrecy that has allowed you success in life and just go up for the shot, thus getting an offensive foul and fouling out with a score of 70-73. I think we all know what that Dick-Jabari did.

The secrecy and lack of transparency that Brodhead holds is one of his defining characteristics. It’s what makes this University the way it is. If we were to say, fire Brodhead, it would totally alter Duke as we know it. So the question you have to ask yourself is: Do I want a transparent school or a Dick?

Am I Right, or am I right?

Right Wing has a Duke stance on hazing and racism. How can I cause it if I don’t acknowledge it?