Dearest Duke,

My name is the Right Wing. You can call me Right for short. I have been sent by the Grand Old Party because of the tragically pathetic representation of Republican ideals on this Devil’s campus. I first thought that this would be easy since Duke is in the South. So I headed to a Duke Republicans meeting to rally the troops. After leaving the two person meeting, I found that my job would be more difficult than I thought. But then, like a young George W. Bush running for office, I could hear the voice of Jesus turning me in the right decision. Jesus said to me, “If you write, they will come.” So I’ve turned to The Chronicle, and outside of a few past champions of free market values, I’ve found not a drop of true conservatism. So I suppose I’ll have to do this by myself. Although I plan on touching all topics under the Chapel, I think I’ll begin my ramblings of genius with something a bit more political.

Let’s start with the blacks.

Imagine you are walking down the street. You are alone. It’s 9:00 p.m. The streets are quiet. Too quiet. You turn around, and what do you see? A black person. Now, I’m not talking about any black person. I’m talking about a black man. What do you do? You try to run across the street, but you don’t want to come off as offensive. You try to speed up, but there is no way to walk faster than his pure, Sub-Saharan speed. You are trapped by fear and left wing racial tolerance. But never fear, a police officer is near, ready to safeguard you from the negro menace. Many of my fellow Southern brethren may be thinking, “How can I be safe from the darker one? There can’t be some sort of law concocted by the North in order to stop them.” But never fear, Stop and Frisk is here! You may be thinking, “Stop and Frisk? Is that some sort of dance move?” No, my non-rhythmic brother, this is probably the only thing you need more than better dance skills. Stop and Frisk is a law that is used in many large cities such as Chicago and New York City that allows the police to confront suspicious pedestrians and frisk them in order to prevent possible crimes. Said rubdowns happen without any indication of a crime outside of a person’s physical demeanor (clothes, walk, melanin content, etc.).

Now, some may say this is “an infringement of fundamental freedoms.” To that I give a hearty Ha-Ha, because there is nothing constitutionally wrong occurring. Unlike an arrest, which can be lengthy and demeaning, a stop is just a slight interference with someone’s ability to lead a normal life. Naysayers of the frisk say that this is a violation of their bodies, but the hearty Ha’s keep on coming. A frisk is nothing more than a firm grabbing followed by a patting down of the clothing. It’s kind of like Shooters, but out in the real world and with guns.

Now, some of the stats majors out there may start throwing out numbers like 89 percent of those frisked are innocent and 85 percent of those frisked are black or Latino. But that is where my math major kicks into effect. I ran the numbers and because of Stop and Frisk, we are able to stop the 5 percent of black people that could possibly cause trouble. The lame stream media may say that in theory this persecutes blacks far more than the 1 percent of white people that could commit crimes, but you must remember that the 1 percent have Affluenza. They don’t know what they’re doing. They always wear monocles and don’t have the depth perception to tell if they are carrying a bag of sugar or a bag of cocaine. And they can’t be held to the same standards as the non-1-percenters because they never grew up with the law. Blinded their whole life by white privilege, how are they supposed to be able to tell the difference between a stop sign and a family of four?

Now, don’t be mad at me Blue Devil nation, I’m not racist. Some of my best friends are black. And when they are pressed against the concrete asking me for help, I just quote Fox News anchor and personal hero Megyn Kelly: “Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change.”

Am I Right, or am I right?

Right Wing is aware that people don’t always buy the “I have black friends” response to accusations of racism. He would like you to know that his family’s full-time maid and part-time cook are black, too.