Well folks, it’s that dreaded time of year again. A time laden with stress, anxiety and too few social events to satisfy even the least relevant of GDIs. And no, I’m not talking about finals—every true Dukebag knows that the key to a seamless finals week is a reliable addy dealer and an assortment of private tutors—I’m talking about winter break. While the next month away from campus presents a plethora of dilemmas for each and every variety of Dukie, winter break is especially challenging for the Dukebag. But fear not! There’s no need to go all crazy and wrinkle your pink pants when I’ve outlined simple solutions to the Dukebag’s most common winter break woes. So sit back, pop a Xanax and enjoy, as I tell you all there is to know about having a very merry Dukebaggy break.
1. You are undoubtedly the smartest person in your hometown.
And probably your entire state. Being around those plebeians kills brain cells faster than the whip-its you’ve been huffing since you were, like, 10 years old. It’s not your fault that Myers-Briggs told you not to be fully satisfied with your life unless you’re pretending to know about Obamacare or drunkenly skimming The Economist in your new Warby Parkers. If you face this dilemma, well, you better hit up that Yalie from sailing camp or your fourth cousin’s neighbor at McBain Group before your IQ starts to drop. You deserve better because, well, duh.
2. You don’t have a car.
If you find yourself stranded in your house for the next month while your Beemer rots in the Blue Zone, don’t worry! Now is the perfect chance to find some new hobbies. Since your immaculate house suddenly feels unfamiliar and inferior, why not bring in some of that Theta Eta Beta Pi Manor Compound-esque décor you’re so fond of? Nothing screams comfort and sophistication like a greek-chic futon and some oh-so-original “keep calm and whatever” posters. Better yet, use that big brain of yours to invent a new type of feng shui. You can put it on your resume.
3. You have no friends at home.
Who needs social interactions when you’ve got Netflix and prescription painkillers? And if you’re feeling particularly bored, well, just hop on Tinder or Chatroulette. Or maybe try LinkedIn, for a hefty self-esteem boost.
4. You have too many friends at home.
And they desperately want to hang out ALL THE TIME because you’re so wise and worldly and modest, duh. The solution is simple: Embrace your inner social chair and throw a party where you’ll grace them with your presence. It’s the perfect opportunity to dazzle them with a few stories about the time you saved children in Burkina Faso while simultaneously sexting your f--- buddy and prepping for the LSAT. Just remember to sprinkle some of that Xanax into the punch—after all, isn’t it your duty to give these poor kids a taste of the authentic Duke experience?
5. Your relatives are staying at your house.
And because you drank her secret stash of Cristal, Mommy is forcing you to share a bed with crazy cousin Cheryl. Unless you want to suffer permanent, plebeian-induced brain damage and perhaps a scaly rash, I suggest you scare Cheryl out of your room ASAP. Tactics may include: walking around naked, snorting cocaine and pretending to be attracted to her because she’s actually your second cousin and has beautiful eyes and an assortment of stylish cat sweaters.
6. It’s cold as f--- outside.
Bust out the trusty vodka blanket, and you’ll be just fine. How else do you think you survived the January Shooter’s line jacketless in a crop top?
7. People keep asking you questions about your life.
Why does everyone care about what classes you’re taking? Or if you’re finally in a relationship? Or what you’re going to do with your life? Clearly, you’re just so interesting that people can’t just shut the f--- up in your presence. Take this opportunity to make use of your $200,000 B.S. degree. “I’m pursuing a double major in biomedical engineering and Chinese, dating the President of France’s daughter and trying to choose between 14 different job offers at top financial institutions. But how’s community college treating you, cousin Cheryl?” That should hopefully shut them up for a while.
8. Nobody realizes how cool and socially adept you are.
You’d think that pastels, fancy loafers and an air of arrogance would be universally impressive and commanding, but what happens when they’re not? Clearly, those plebey GDIs aren’t actually rolling their eyes at you; they must be having concurrent, Dukebag-induced seizures. Right? If there is any doubt in your mind, just remember that your greek letters and volume of sexual partners mean that you’re better than them, obviously.
Well then, Dukebags and others, when in doubt, always remember: Whatever dilemmas winter break brings, just suck it up and chill out because you’ll always have the beloved Gothic Wonderland to return to. Now, addy is not cheap these days, so I gotta go write another paper before my buzz fades. Go study and good luck with exams!
Chelsea Sawicki is a Trinity senior. Her regular column is part of the weekly Socialites feature. This is her final column of the semester. Send Chelsea a message on Twitter @ChelsTweetzz.