I’ve recently had the pleasure of witnessing firsthand the beautiful train wreck that is freshmen learning how to drink and do drugs at Duke. Clearly, no one with any knowledge has ever talked to these kids about drugs. Instead of learning about drugs from that super-SUPER-senior with dreads who majors in feelings, it is much safer to learn about drugs and alcohol from a non-personal, authoritative source. After all, our nation’s public school systems adopted this style for health and sexual education, and now MTV is on its fifth season of “Teen Mom 2.” So, through a rigorous process of laboratory testing (read: trial and error), I bring you the Mean Boy Guide to Drugs at Duke.
Best put by Homer Simpson, alcohol is the beginning and end to all life’s problems. The most widely used “drug” on campus, alcohol flows better than Mac Miller’s rapping, which, in reality, isn’t that hard to do. Whether you are on West, East, Weast or god-forsaken Central Campus, alcohol is an integral modicum of self-destructive self-confidence that is both adored and abused by most everyone. It’s relatively cheap, easy to get and will thoroughly entertain a room of people if your personalities are just not cutting it. As the Good Lord stated, “Drink and be merry.” And why should we go against God? Whether you’re a green-horn excited to partake in your first shot of second-hand Aristocrat Paint Thinner or a seasoned veteran, there is always an event going on where we can treat our livers worse than Zeus did Prometheus’s. Drink on, my friends. Rating: nine handle pulls out of 10.
The subject of national debate right now, marijuana is a very controversial subject at Duke as well. By controversial, I mean there’s a population of students at Duke that doesn’t smoke, and then there’s the other 90 percent that is too high to really care. Whether you are blazing at fraternity parties, casually enjoying a smoke in the quad, or taking edibles and exploring the Duke Gardens for a few hours, you can find a diverse and welcome population at Duke who would love you to meet its friend, Mary Jane. Rating: puff, puff, passes my expectations.
Ahhh ravers, those upper middle class white kids with too much money in need of an excuse to flail to electronic music. E is typically seen more at raves and concerts around Duke than at actual campus parties, but all bets are off on LDOC. Once you get past the neon, blaring loud music and overall fascination with rubbing things, the rave crowd is a very friendly and inviting one. All they want is more people to join the party and to communicate through the universal language of music and dance…and rubbing each other while sweating profusely from stimulants. Rating: E for everyone.
We’ve all seen Scarface. For better or worse, the cocaine scene at Duke is not nearly as cool. Rather than meeting a flashy guy in a suave jacket, you will more likely find people hunched over in a sketchy bathroom sniffing it off a grimy sink. Such is life. Those on cocaine claim to be confident, sexy and smarter than your average UNC student. In reality, they usually just act like an a-- hat, but they are probably still smarter than your average bear, which happens to be smarter than your average UNC student. Rating: top of the line(s).
5. DXM/ Cough Syrup
If you want to be cool like Lil Wayne and overdose on a product intended for sick 8-year-olds, then this is the drug for you! Dextromethorphan is the active ingredient in cough syrup and, depending on the dose taken, can range from a feeling of weightlessness to complete and utter nirvana on the seventh plateau. Warning, side effects include, but are not limited to: destroying your stomach lining, never coughing again, having a personal conversation with Vishnu and lethargy. Rating: six out of seven levels of enlightenment.
Want to see God? How about seeing God in your backyard? Try shrooms! For just the small shame of scarfing down magic fungus, you too can spend hours wandering aimlessly around the Duke Gardens to discover your spirit animal. Be careful, for shrooms can amplify whatever emotional state you are in at the moment. So while some may psych out and jam to “Dark Side of the Moon,” others may become encompassed in the emptiness of life while hiding in a makeshift blanket fort. Rating: shroom goes the dynamite!
Go to any high-level academic institution and you can bet there will plenty of Adderall. Adderall is a prescription drug that improves the focus and concentration of those with ADHD. When given to someone without ADHD, they become more focused, attentive and driven than a 90s studying movie montage. Adderall is the go-to study drug for those who realize too late that they haven’t actually learned anything all semester. Adderall is fantastic because it puts you on your game, it renders your appetite non-existent, and it removes your human flaws such as procrastination, bathroom breaks, hunger and self-doubt. Rating: precisely 3.80 GPAs saved out of 4.
Although my drug marathon has rendered my body maladroit and my mind at the functionality of Honey Boo-Boo’s, I want you to know that it was done as a labor of love for you, Dukies. Without your continued support, I would not be where I am today—with internal bleeding and a crippling narcotics addiction.
After a drug binge of this magnitude, Mean Boy is in much need of more Adderall dealers to catch up on work because he did not major in feelings. If anyone is interested, you know where to find him.