As loyal readers will no doubt be aware, the Editorial Board receives the majority of its funding from the National Endowment for Rarefied Prose, the Council on Foreign Citations and the Fish and Wildlife Service. As a result of the federal government shutdown, the Board’s funding has been suspended, forcing the Board to disband. Listed below are Editorial Board conspiracy theories that never made it to print:
The Duke undergraduate experience is a complex social experiment designed and carried out by Dan Ariely, James B. Duke Professor of psychology and behavioral economics.
The large fluorescent “D” suspended over the cardio room in Wilson gym was purchased by the University from the City of Detroit, which was forced to sell the oversized letter after filing for bankruptcy.
Duke Student Government is secretly a highly functional organization.
The LDOC Committee plans to select popular singer-songwriter Raffi to perform at this year’s LDOC. Selected for his family-friendly lyrics, Raffi is best known for his 1994 hit “Banaphone.”
Increased snake sightings on campus are the result of the University’s popular new online course in parseltongue, a joint venture with Arizona State University and Steve, a guy who talks to snakes. Although it boasts a strong parseltongue program, Hogwarts was not prestigious enough to participate in the consortium.
Bass Connections is really just an elaborate fishing program.
Although Provost Peter Lange is officially retiring this year, he will continue to run the University from a control tower at Duke Kunshan University, equipped with NSA surveillance technology and stocked with Funyons.
There are at least two Chinese dissidents trapped in the David M. Rubenstein Rare Book Room.
We’re pretty sure President Barack Obama consults our September 13, 2013 editorial on the Syrian conflict—“Seek the Pen, Not the Sword”—when considering how to proceed in Syria.
President Richard Brodhead has plans to re-grow his moustache for “No-shave November.”
Lindsay Lohan, star of the 1998 classic The Parent Trap, is passed out somewhere behind the neo-neo-gothic wall surrounding West Union.
Counseling and Psychological Services is preparing to launch a new program for humanities majors called DukeEnrage, in which participants release pent up anger by thinking long and hard about their job prospects.In case you couldn't tell, this editorial was a joke. Have a fun fall break!