Now that classes are set into gear and people have become complacent and idle in their mindless routines, the men of Duke are realizing that scarfing down Pitchfork wings and logging onto Pornhub does not constitute dinner and a movie with your girlfriend.
“I’m so bad at meeting girls,” says the hopeless dweeb who wanders Duke’s campus aimlessly, with neither a significant other nor f*** buddy to satisfy his emotional—or more importantly, sexual—needs. Well, men of Duke, your time has come. Mean Boy is here to help you find the girl of your dreams, with minimal effort and damage to your wallet. So hike up those jorts, spray on some more Axe and prepare to meet Mrs. Right, instead of Mrs. Right Hand.
1. Go wireless.
The true gentleman knows that introducing himself and getting to know girls is a total waste of time. I mean, how many girls have you met in your life that you haven’t slept with? That is horrible sexual efficiency. The real way to find some ladies to mac on is through the revolutionary dating app, Tinder. For you uncultured plebes without iPhones, Tinder is a program that shows you pictures of various people in your area. If they’re not a total dog, you like their profile. If they end up liking you back, you are prompted to message each other. If they don’t, neither of you will be any the wiser. Aside from being promptly thrown into a digital cesspool of sexual tension with someone you have never actually met, Tinder is a fun and casual mate-finder for the 21st century man.
If Tinder sexting isn’t your thing, quit beating around the bush and find your dream girl on Craigslist. Everyone knows that overseas prostitution rings and eBay are unreliable sources for obtaining women, mostly because the American dollar now holds less global value—but also because Liam Neeson keeps stealing his daughter back. Craigslist, on the other hand, allows you to contact local women and participants of “sensual adventures.” Face it, if she’s desperate enough to be on Craigslist, even she won’t reject you. Send her an email laden with emojis, and, soon, your game will skyrocket while your dignity plummets. Happy Hunting.
2. Become bisexual.
If you are only interested in either girls or guys, you are cutting your relationship reservoir in half before you even meet anyone. Bisexuals, on the other hand, can be down with everyone they see on campus. If a girl rejects you for another guy at a party, simply get with the guy. That ungrateful wench is left abandoned, and you have just won yourself a new man slam. Everyone wins.
Furthermore, you will receive relationship support from all of your friends. Your female peers will try setting you up with their other gay friends “because it’s just so cute!!!” Take no offense that she is whoring you out like a horny peace pipe to every gay man she knows. She’s doing it because she genuinely knows it’ll work out for both of you. He’s into guys and you’re into guys. By the laws of nature, you are 100 percent compatible. That’s how it works, right?
3. Become a Dukebag.
If you can’t beat em’, join em’. Girls like confidence, but girls LOVE it when you treat them like shit. If you truly want to find a girl on campus, you have to remember that girls like to be talked down to—made to feel small and subjected to gender roles. Let everyone know that you are the man, and the females of Duke will flock. Change your profile picture to you shirtless with at least two girls, wear sunglasses indoors and rock that cutoff shirt at the gym. Just be sure to get some water shoes because, soon, you will be knee deep.
4. Get Swoll.
Yoked. Ripped. Jacked. Shredded. Buff. Beefcake. You could be all these and more as soon as you pump some iron. Girls don’t want a skinny geed with floppy noodle arms. Girls want an alpha—a man who can bench a bus full of kids on their way to fat camp. Chug some brotein and make yourself a winner. Bonus points if you take a gym selfie.
Now that you are armed with these fool proof tricks of the trade, go forth and conquer your love lives. As long as you paint yourself as an egocentric, misogynist BAMF, you will have women banging at your door.
Oh, and if a girl is not interested in your new bravado and masculine charm? What if she’s self-assured enough to see through your routine? Well, take it from Mean Boy: She’s not worth your time anyway.
Mean Boy is currently on Tinder, Craigslist and Christian Mingle if any ladies are interested.