In an absolute sweeping shift of momentum, Duke has managed to rise from its previous rank as eighth best school in the nation to number seven in the U.S. News National University Rankings. Aside from national recognition and a swelling of Duke spirit, this momentous achievement allowed everyone to smugly post the article online with humble comments such as “Go Duke!” and “Proud to be a Blue Devil!” and the ever-so-tactful “Duuuuuuuuuuuuke.” This coy power move is an update to the world of your progress. Because there is no possible way that Duke students, some of the world’s future leaders, base their validation of self on a digital affirmation of their life choices.
Aside from five seconds of Facebook fame, what does this ranking mean for our dear Duke University? It means that Duke is heading nowhere but up and y’all better hop on board. Now that Duke is a respectable university, it is time we shaped up our act. To truly play our part as the seventh best school in the nation, we’re going to have to behave like our higher ranked brethren. As they say, “If you can’t beat em’, shamelessly copy them in hopes of being recognized as on par with them.” To help guide you uncultured swine, I created a foolproof plan for Duke students to follow so that we can finally pass as part as the nation’s elite.
1. Stop caring about sports.
Simply put, Duke is too good of a school to have good sports. Seriously Duke, I don’t know what you’re trying to prove here. Duke can’t be a great school while maintaining our current athletic reputation. At the very least, we must shift our prowess to sports that don’t actually matter. How did Harvard fare in March Madness last year? Almost as good as Brown’s football team. Princeton’s crew team and Harvard’s fencing teams, however, killed it last year. Our March Madness loss to Lehigh two years ago was an excellent start towards our new image. Once Duke Basketball is out of the picture, we can finally concentrate on sports with academic merit, such as curling and Quidditch.
2. Have no social scene.
Duke thrives on the mantra “work hard, play hard.” If we expect to uphold our new reputation, we need to live by “work hard, forgo happiness and work harder until you become a doctor.” We hear all the time about party schools such as the University of Iowa and University of Arizona, but how often do we hear about Columbia’s latest bender? We don’t, because students at universities better than us spend their free time studying, rather than wasting time drinking, relaxing or getting robbed at gunpoint in the gardens.
“But Mean Boy, Dartmouth has a large Greek social scene.”
Yes, but they are also in the news for their hazing scandals. It’s not like we just came out of national attention last year for a fraternity scandal or anything, but we just don’t want to risk it.
3. Assume you are better than everyone. Ever.
I once overheard a girl admit that she didn’t get a 2400 on her SAT. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we went to Rainbows and Sunshine Community College. We cannot have our students admitting to anything less than perfection. Duke doesn’t want Suzie Average, who got a 2240 on her SATs and participates in a wide range of extracurricular activities. To be the best like no one ever was, we need that kid who never left is room, got a 2410 on the SAT and will utterly destroy you in Digimon trivia. Give that kid a bid.
4. Be miserable.
Everyone knows that to truly obtain an elite education, you have to be miserable. Have you ever seen someone smile at MIT? Too often, I see Duke students having a healthy balance of academic, extracurricular and social interests, which is a downright outrage. Duke cannot expect to be the best if we waste valuable time being well-balanced students. The pyramids weren’t built by slaves being happy. Similarly, we cannot expect to stay on top unless we make some serious reforms in our student body. Speaking of student bodies…
5. Have uglier students.
It is a scientific fact that you can’t be smart and attractive. Duke admissions, admit some fuglies. Fast.
While some of you may complain that you like Duke because it is a high level university with interesting students, competitive Division 1 sports and a healthy social scene, remember that changes and upward motion are inevitably for the better. Hopefully the implementation of these reforms will shoot us to the number one spot and our happiness can be Facebook official. If we truly crave to be the best, we have to be like the rest.
Mean Boy is proud of the fact that Harvard applied to him, yet instead he went to Duke for the pretty girls.