While charming girls with my awkwardness at Shooters the other night, my blood alcohol content reached the critical level of 0.25—a.k.a. the Shooters minimum. As a Duke student, I firmly believe that once you commit to something, you go full force. This Shooters night was no different. Being in both peak physical and intoxicated condition, I decided it was time to attempt the coup de grace of any successful Shooters night, the Triple Crown. The golden standard, the Triple Crown consists of dancing on both bars, riding the bull and capping it all off with some good old-fashioned cage dancing the way our forefathers did.
After breezing past the bouncer and both bars, I set my sights on the Shooters bull. I patiently waited my turn while two drunken sorostitutes clung on for dear life with legs of steel which only could have come from excessive use of that “awkwardly open and close your legs while hoping no one sees your camel toe” machine at the gym. Then I proceeded to watch an excessively inebriated male and female hop on to enjoy the greatest dry humping seen in public since your dog took a fancy to that sexy throw pillow. After toughing it out and trying to maintain my buzz, I finally reach my goal of next in line to ride “El Torro- Drunk Edition” with my bromantic life-partner, just to be cast aside because two men are not allowed to ride the bull at once.
I’m sorry. I thought this was America. Ladies and gentlemen of Duke University, this is an outrage. As we all have seen in numerous articles and protests for equality around campus, Duke is not a safe haven for all genders or sexual orientations. I personally find this disparity of basic human rights a travesty.
Currently, Duke boasts having a Women’s Center, a Center for Sexual and Gender Diversity and many cultural organizations such as the Asian Students Association and the Mary Lou Williams Center. Although these organizations are a good start towards equality on campus and are totally capable of producing a large, unified protest of more than 20 angry Asians (I’m looking at you KSig) against racial injustice, Duke is still lacking true inclusivity for all its students.
Therefore, I propose Duke implements a new line of equality objectives to create a truly equal institution, rather than one that only brags about having black students for 50 years. Sorry guys, but that’s actually one year after Ole Miss admitted its first black student in 1962. YOU LOST AT RACIAL DIVERSITY TO MISSISSIPPI.
First, I demand the immediate installation of a Men’s Center to counterbalance the Women’s Center. Just as the Women’s Center promotes social justice, female empowerment and feeling confident in those four-inch heels, the Men’s Center will actively engage students in how to avoid detection while staring at boobs in public, how to cope with the fact that she will never let you be little spoon and how to give a girl a compliment without seeming like a sexual predator. The men of our campus struggle daily with these social micro-aggressions which threaten our gender identity and self-image. The Duke Men’s Center will put males on an even playing field with our female counterparts and will create a healthier campus environment.
Furthermore, we need a Center for White Advancement. Currently, Duke is giving far too much scholarship money to those with “racial diversity” or who come from “difficult situations.” Is anyone else bothered by the fact that one of the first questions on every scholarship form asks about race? Imagine the soul-crushing shame as you scroll down the race list, pass African-American and Asian-American and finally arrive at Caucasian. “I’m African-American because my ancestors came from Africa.” That’s cool. My ancestors came from white, the most useless color in that godforsaken Crayola box. The Center for White Advancement will bridge the gap between racially challenged students and the rest of the races that Duke likes to throw money at due to white guilt.
Finally, I would like to address with rancor the current socioeconomic disparity at Duke. Every day, like ten poor people harbor feelings of resentment towards the fabulously wealthy of Duke University. The plebs try to disparage the fiscally fortunate with attacks such as “I buy clothes at The Gap because it has good prices,” or “I can’t afford to add to my food plan.” Imagine the crushing awkwardness that Duke’s wealthy must deal with as they indulge in luxuries while the poor watch with their soulless, needy eyes. The Duke Center for Dealing with Poor People will provide a safe haven for our wealthy, while teaching them how to properly interact with the unfortunate peons of our campus.
With the cooperation of Shooters and Duke University, we can work together to make Duke University a more inclusive environment for the male, white and upper class.
Mean Boy is ashamed of his race and socioeconomic status because they have not given him stories of struggle to use on scholarship and job applications.