Robert Lefkowitz for Duke’s Most Awesome Person
The editorial board would like to endorse Dr. Robert Lefkowitz for most awesome person of 2012-2013 over head football coach David Cutcliffe. This decision was not an easy one. While both candidates evinced a high level of expertise, both lacked the broad institutional knowledge necessary to fully fulfill the duties of this role. Bewilderingly, Cutcliffe seemed completely baffled when we grilled him about “the elucidation of the molecular properties and regulatory mechanisms controlling the function of G protein-coupled receptors.” Similarly, Lefkowitz showed only a rudimentary understanding of the play-action, and demonstrated little acuity for teaching open-field tackling. Both candidates were similarly qualified—Lefkowitz was recently honored with a Nobel Prize, and Cutcliffe coached Peyton Manning. In the end, we relied on our traditional method for deciding between two indistinguishable candidates—a coin toss.
Miles Plumlee for Best Performance on NBC’s “Parks and Recreation”
In yet another close race, the editorial board has decided to endorse former basketball star Miles Plumlee over comedic actress Retta, Trinity ’92, for Best Performance on NBC’s hit show “Parks and Recreation.” While Retta in the role of Donna Meagle has been a consistent and hilarious performer on the show for all five of its seasons, Plumlee’s performance as “tall guy the audience assumes is an NBA player because he’s standing next to Roy Hibbert” cannot be beat. His ability to look good in a cardigan, unironically wear hipster glasses and be really, really tall distinguished his candidacy in an otherwise competitive year.
Two-Ply Toilet Paper for Most Necessary Thing
In this year’s race for Duke’s Most Necessary Thing, the editorial board would like to endorse Two-Ply Toilet Paper over One-Ply toilet paper. To all but the most sensitive observer, these two candidates are indistinguishable. Neither has institutional knowledge extending far beyond facilities. Each has spent the majority of their Duke experiences wrapped up in their own projects, confined to narrowly defined niches. However, Two-Ply demonstrated a rare ability to respond to the diverse needs of the Duke community and a history of effective advocacy despite getting regularly pooh-poohed by the Man. While we applaud One-Ply’s commitment to the University and dutiful service, in the end we found it to be a little abrasive.
The Administration for Things Defining Duke
In the easiest call of the semester, the editorial board is endorsing the Administration over Fun in this year’s race for Things Defining Duke. Fun offered a lot of intriguing benefits—it was far better positioned to contribute to the overall happiness of the student body, and demonstrated a far better attunement to the needs of overstressed college students. However, we found Fun to be untrustworthy, difficult to pin down, inclined to vice and illegality and more likely to create a scandal propelling Duke into the national media spotlight. Further, we commend Alcohol Policy’s ability to be well-intentioned but willfully naive, as well as its supporter’s unique capacity to say one thing and mean another. In the end, the choice is clear—Fun is an attractive candidate, but should not be taken seriously here at Duke.
In case you couldn’t tell, this editorial is a joke. Have a great break!