I want to graduate college having experienced love, but Duke is so anti-relationship. Help!
Dear Dateless Doucheface,
As Valentine’s Day approaches, people suddenly notice a void in their lives that, although previously filled by binge drinking and masturbation, can now only be occupied by a relationship. Guys slyly tuck murmurs of “settling down” and finding something “real” into their conversations, but girls are much less subtle with their dissatisfaction. I don’t think you can walk by a sorority section in February and NOT hear at least six moans of “Ughhhhhh, I just want a BOYFRIENNDDDD!”
However, there’s a distinction between complaining that you want a boyfriend or girlfriend and complaining that there’s a lack of relationship culture on campus. If you’re whining about your lack of significant other, it’s likely that you don’t actually desire a RELATIONSHIP per se, but actually just want consistent sex. I don’t really understand why you can’t just be open about it. Even if you’re the whore of Duke, that title’s only going to be with you for like, four years. Actually, probably more like one. There’s always gonna be a new freshman willing to top you (perhaps literally). If you’re still not willing to say it out loud, I suggest you closeted hoebags invest in hookup apps. Why troll the leftovers at Shooters when Apple lets you Grindr or Tinder or Bang With Friends from the comfort of your own phone? “Grindr?” you say, “I hardly know her!” And then laugh nervously at yourself while you realize that this is why you have to meet people on the Internet.
The other faction of whiners—those who grumble about the hookup culture itself—are a more insidious breed. Instead of saying they want a relationship simply because they refuse to admit that they want sex, these Moaning Myrtles of love complain that developing relationships is “not possible” at Duke because they can’t get one. This sentiment peaks toward the end of freshman year, and then emerges again in upperclassmanhood, as juniors and seniors realize that they may graduate with a 3.8 GPA but absolutely no idea how to meet people, date someone or properly fingerbang.
But no worries, you little slutmuffins. The Dookie is all about helping people find love in a hopeless place. (Although, really, do you wanna try that hard? How well did that work out for Rihanna?) With these tips, you should be able to go from lonely loser to wifed-up winner in two semesters or less.
One: Do it drunk.
Most single Dukies only exist as sexual beings when their blood alcohol level goes beyond the legal limit. If a successful relationship is what you’re looking for, this is the way it should be. Meeting people in classes or through campus involvements is creepy. Meaningful relationships are only formed through drunkenly putting your face on someone. Eventually, in the midst of the DFMOs, frat formals and late-night “settling,” someone will decide that you are special and will swoop down from heaven (or perhaps the upper bar) to save you from the depths of the horrendous hookup culture in which you’re living. At least, that’s what I’ve heard will happen from pretty much every Duke girl.
The people in relationships at Duke fall into two categories: weirdos or religious fanatics. These people pretty much only have their relationship going for them. This is not to be confused with the traditional if-you-think-about-it-we’re-pretty-much-just-hooking-up relationship. To be sure you know what category your relationship falls into, you have to define the relationship constantly. You can’t just sit back and expect things to develop naturally. Plus, it can be super fun; few things are more arousing than interrupting a passionate make out sesh in order to be reassured that you’re more than just a hole or pole.
Three: Be busy.
If nothing else works, blame your loneliness on how busy you are. God, college is so HARD! Right now, I’m probably the busiest I’ll ever be. I have like, 12 to 18 hours of class a week AND occasional outside work. There is simply too much to do! Once I graduate and have a real job and have to manage my own finances and live more than two seconds away from everyone I know and have to worry about advancing in my career and have the additional stress of needing to find someone to marry, then I’ll have time for a relationship.
Four: Think inside the Triangle.
Sometimes, at the end of the day, everyone at Duke kind of sucks. These people are self-centered, naïve and pointedly lazy about relationships. But you are different. Once you’re outside this scene, you’ll be irresistible to everyone and will have a lover within minutes! Think about it: There are upwards of 15 colleges within 20 minutes of Durham. And none of THOSE institutions have made the top 10 in a while. The plebeians will jump at the chance to capture a private school-educated (and in no way pretentious) scholar like you. From sperm banks to N.C. State chicks—if there’s even a difference—everyone wants a smarter baby.
The Dookie has no relationship problems and is currently dating Manti Te‘o, that is until he dies of leukemia. If you have a problem you think the Dookie could solve, ask it at email@example.com.