Of all the role models the 21st century has to offer young girls, Hillary Clinton is one of the best (eat your heart out, Honey Boo-Boo’s mom). From her selfless dedication to public service, to her graceful diplomacy in everything from nuclear missiles to nuclear interns, she is an exemplar of how far brains, poise and ambition can take a person no matter what life throws in her path. Her elegant handling of an exhausting and vitally important job over the last four years reminded Americans why they loved her in the first place. This restoration of her popularity, as well as her stellar performance as secretary of state has put her in the precarious position of almost de-facto Democratic nominee in 2016. As whatever steps she takes will likely indicate her ultimate decision about the next presidential election, the news media is left to speculate for at least the next two-and-a-half years as to the possible significance of her every move. Some of the nation’s most thoughtful and insightful voices will be considering her likely political steps in the next four years, but I’d like to shed some light on some of the other things on Mrs. Clinton’s what-next list. Below, What Will Hill Do (Note: The following bears little or no relation to what Hill will actually do):
—Fully recover from her concussion and figure out if Hermès makes ace bandages.
—Remove the nanny cams.
—Start really watching “NBC Nightly News”; those glowing comments on the website about Chelsea’s elephant segments aren’t going to write themselves.
—Doodle mustaches and gap teeth on all available pictures of John Kerry.
—Go bowling with Biden, and beat him this time.
—Switch to an iPhone—the popularity of “Texts From Hillary” has made her denial of the 21st century embarrassingly apparent.
—Play catch with Bobama.
—Drinks with Merkel.
—Send Kerry’s prom pictures to the Senate. (Powder blue? Sucks to suck, Johnny boy.)
—Finally learn which one’s Sasha and which one’s Malia—no more awkward first fam dinners.
—Finish departure memo for Kerry (Kim Jong-un’s watermelon fetish, Hollande’s doll collection, etc.).
—Return Meryl’s Snapchats and figure out how to block Trump.
—Buy all copies possible of Lewinsky’s upcoming book and burn them. BURN THEM.
—Save Corey Booker from a fire—that smug SNAP-ing bastard gets all the glory.
—Take up yogalates.
—Figure out what yogalates is.
—Take over her full duties as creator and former part-time manager of @pimpbillclinton.
—Harass Booker on Twitter.
—Take Gillibrand and Pelosi to that South African nightclub; time to put the “sin” back in “Senate,” and bring the House down. Make sure Boehner doesn’t try to come again.
—Catch up on “Cosmo” and “The Economist.”
—Mayonnaise Booker’s driveway.
—Meet Chelsea’s husband, figure out if he’ll provide appropriate, genetically competitive offspring.
—Catch up to Bill on the veganism. (Who knew breakfast ribs were no longer a thing?)
—Prank call Booker.
—Finally finish “The West Wing.”
—Egg Chris Christie’s house and blame it on Booker.
—LES MIZ!! “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” is about the first term cabinet, right??
—Erase all those embarrassing voicemails from Berlusconi.
—Get up to speed on the First Ladies Book Club list (damn is that “Fifty Shades of Grey” a good read).
—Pedicures with Putin; this time he’s paying, and no blasting Pussy Riot.
—Catch up on “Homeland.”
—Take a 30-month-long nap.
There are certainly many directions Clinton can take at this point in her life and career, steps I’m sure she’ll consider with due care. Her role as a feminist icon is far from symbolic. As first lady, senator and secretary of state, she has served her country with unflinching dedication and grace, and I look forward to seeing whatever direction her path might take next. Personally, I hope she starts with “Homeland,” because that show is GREAT.
Lindsey Barrett is a Trinity junior. Her column runs every other Friday.