Between April 1, 2012 and Nov. 1 2012, the West Union Building Renovation Working Group solicited proposals for additions to the new student union, with the only constraint on proposals being that they must be capable of enshrinement in a glass square, rectangle or trapezoid. The Chronicle’s independent editorial board fished these obviously unread proposals out of thedumpster behind the Allen Building.
—A fully loaded casino, featuring Russian roulette. Sponsored by the Department of Statistics.
—Mongolian restaurant, so students can practice their Spanish or whatever. Sponsored by DukeEngage.
—Museum of Duke Sex Scandals. Sponsored by the Karen Owen Foundation for Internet Privacy.
—Emergency head-trauma treatment module. Sponsored by the Duke Medical Center, and the Department of Statistics.
—A five times scale nude equestrian statue of eternal Duke hero Coach David Cutcliffe, his steed’s foot borne aloft by a small gargoyle of Duke Nobel Laureate Robert Lefkowitz.
—Heated indoor wave pool.
—Pub in the style of the 1986 British-American fantasy film The Labyrinth, starring David Bowie. Sponsored by Dean Nowicki.
—An expensive and lucrative waiting room for the future students of Duke Kunshan University. Sponsored by the Duke Strategic Plan.
—Richard M. Nixon Presidential Crypt, in lieu of a previously rejected proposal for a Presidential Library. Sponsored by Richard M. Nixon.
—Tasteful and discreet adult entertainment center. Sponsor redacted.
—First aid center for people injured in dangerously small heated indoor wave pool.
—Four Loko cellar. Sponsored by Interfraternity Council.
—Full room display of ancient Grecian urns, vases, and pots. Sponsored by the Duke Panhellenic Council (Get it?!?).
—To scale, functional replica of the steel-cage jousting arena “Thunderdome,” from the Australian post-apocalyptic thriller Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Sponsored by Dean of Student Conduct Steven Bryan and the Duke Community Standard.
—An auditorium for the study of hot fusion reactions and dance rehersal, complete with an 100 cubic meter plasma reactor and wall mirrors. Sponsored by the Center for Interdisciplinary Studies.
—Store where they sell chainsaw-carved bear statues and nature sound cassettes. Sponsored by The Duke Coffeehouse.
—Lemur meat restaurant. Sponsored by the Duke Primate Center Commercial Steering Committee and Chubby’s Tacos.
—Center for the multi-theoretic, bicultural study of alternative textualities and written images. Sponsored by “The Humanities Writ Large” and the John Hope Franklin Center.
—Center for training in menial, transitory and low-wage employment. Sponsored by “The Humanities Writ Large” and the John Hope Franklin Center.
—Center for fair, honest and non-exploitative tutoring of UNC athletes. Sponsored by Coach Mike Krzyzweksi.
—A Chick-fil-A restaurant. Sponsored by Chick-fil-A Properties Incorporated and the Family Research Council.
—Center for Journalism of Occasional Integrity. Sponsored by the independent editorial board.
In case you couldn’t tell, this editorial is a joke. Except for the Mongolian restaurant, that’s a good idea. Enjoy the break.