As you might imagine, the events that have transpired in government this week have left me a nearly broken man. Not only did my old pal Davey Boy Petraeus take his job title as head of the CIA a tad too literally (in case you missed my attempt at levity there, the sentence is humorous because “head” has multiple meanings. … I find myself rather amusing), but there was the whole bit of socialist nastiness that occurred on Tuesday. I must admit that I was so upset that my Asian Assistant Feng Guan had to sedate me, using an old oriental remedy that oddly resembled cannabis.
Yet since I spent all of last week rambling about the lack of goings-on at this University, I figured I should awake from my stupor and take this opportunity to discuss politics in the nuanced yet entertaining manner for which I am so well regarded. And obviously, our continued descent into Kenyan socialism is a story worth carrying.
For one, I fear President Obama will make good on his intention to raise taxes tremendously on job creators. My grandson Reindorf, who is currently in his fourth year at McKinsey and Co., (unlike his brother Reginald, the family failure who has disgraced our name by working with the poors over at Accenture) makes $300,000 per annum. Do you know how much Obama’s tax increases will force him to pay? Almost $2,500. Meanwhile, the welfare queens in the inner cities, the urban, athletic types who have low basketball IQ’s, sit around on their couches with their free basic health care.
But I’ve been down this path before. And I am not one to dwell in the past. I understand that there is a need for change in the Republican Party. The same narrative will not work, the election results proved that. And though I may curse the Hebrew deity of The New York Times, Mr. Silver’s numbers have shown that the Republican coalition cannot survive with its current composition.
That’s why we must make increased efforts to reach out to a new group: the Latino community. At least, that is what every single Republican talking head has told me. I am, apparently, now pro-immigration reform, which is splendid to learn. I think I understand Hispanics well enough to reach out to them.
I know, some naysayers must be thinking, “Grumpy Trustee, you’re probably about to go on a rant about how your Puerto Rican gardener Juan taught you something about his ethnicity, or something like that.” That is, of course, ridiculous: I have no idea what type of Mexican Jose is, nor have I ever had a conversation with him.
I do, however, have tremendous experience with those of Spanish origin: Two of my greatest business partners were Sr. Franco and Sr. Pinochet, national leaders with truly excellent visions for capitalism. They even taught me a little bit of the Spanish language. And so, taking a page out of Miguel Bloomberg’s playbook, I would like to close this column with a Spanish section, which aims to describe why they should all become Republicans.
Hola. Me llamo es El Grumpy Trustee. Yo soy un republicano. En los Estados Unidos, Republicanos son el partido most bueno. We believo en libertad, taxes muy pequeno, y jobs. Es fantastico! El job-creadors, como yo, son willing to pagar para labor. En construction, en el garden, y en los industrios de cleaning. We amor los laborers hispanicos!
Tambien, we no prefiero los homosexuales. Y muchos hispanicos, como tu, son Catholics. Y all bueno Catolicos believe los homosexuales son muy malo. Ellos quieren destroy el familia Americano y Mexicano, con los colores bright y la musica de Lady Gaga.
En conclusion, lo siento por our treatmento de Sonia Sotomayor. Ella no es racist. We were incorrecto. Y el DREAM Act. Es un bueno idea. Y we tenemos Marco Rubio, y el es Hispanic! Rubio para presidente! Arriba!
The Grumpy Trustee was once told by his portfolio advisers, “Go ahead and switch your style up, and if they hate then let them hate, and watch the money pile up.” They work at Wu-Tang Financial.