In its never ending quest to look after you, the student body, the Editorial Board—despite your habitual ungratefulness—has once again risked life and limb to bring you an internal memo straight from the Allen Building.
Here are the incentives we’re offering Duke Forward donors. Probably best to keep a tight, heavy lid on this stuff outside of the right circles. Don’t let that pesky but oh-so-assiduous and good-looking Editorial Board get a hold of it.
Thanks for your campaign contribution,
$100 level: Endowed janitorship.
$200 level: Be installed as Dean of Students.
$500 level: Be relieved of job as Dean of Students.
$1,000 level: Professor Dan Ariely will produce a study confirming any hypothesis you desire.
$10,000 level: Receive Dick Bro’s former mustache. Expertly preserved, complete with adhesive backing.
$50,000 level: Keep your old frat from getting kicked off campus. Because everyone deserves a fifth chance.
$75, 000 level: Kick your old rival frat off campus. We have a no tolerance policy.
$100,000 level: Get your favorite gay-rights opposed national fast food chain installed in the new West Union Building. Don’t worry—we’ll say its “local.”
$250,000 level: Move all the frats to Central Campus. An anonymous donor has already paid for half of this one.
$500,000 level: Full and exclusive television and broadcasting rights to Duke’s former and future sex scandals. You could cast Alan Rickman as Karen Owen!
$750,000 level: Drive around with LMo and Dean Sue to scare off-campus frat bros. Don’t worry, it won’t be scary—we’ll give you a fake cop uniform.
$1,000,000 level: Guaranteed admission for your snot-nosed kid.
$5,000,000 level: Resurrect CompSci 82, so your snot-nosed kid doesn’t have to do real math.
$7,500,000 level: Get your snot-nosed kid admitted in the last round of fundraising smuggled in the middle of the night to a country with no US-extradition treaty.
$10,000,000 level: We’ll give you an ill-fitting T-shirt, a big necklace, call you “Ludacris,” and let you headline the Last Day of Classes! No previous experience required.
$15,000,000 level: Full year hunting license at the Duke Lemur Center. Be careful—we’re pretty sure they can see in the dark.
$25,000,000 level: Full and exclusive rights to do hydrofracking under the Duke Chapel bell tower—this one pays for itself, probably.
$50,000,000+ level: Learn the dark secret of Duke’s organ far.. errm Duke Kunshan University.
$100,000,000 level: Private tour of the indestructible laser prison beneath the Institute for Genome Sciences.
$250,000,000 level: Replace all books in Perkins authored by or inspired by Karl Marx with “Creationists’ Guide to Capitalism, Freedom and Other Good Things.”
$500,000,000 level: 10 minutes inside the James B. Duke sarcophagus—we’ll turn off the security cameras.
$1,000,000,000 level: One-week of membership on The Chronicle’s editorial board.
In case you couldn’t tell, this editorial is a joke. Enjoy Fall Break!