I hope you enjoyed the swimming good time that was Homecoming weekend, and that you’ve decided that as alumni, you will donate even more money to Duke than you paid to actually attend. This is the Great and Powerful Duke Administration writing to you, so don’t ignore this like you do every other email (we see you, freshmen).
We, your overlords, figured it’s about time that we give you an overview of the goals and policies for this year. We recommend you take this to heart, as you do every other piece of information distributed by the administration. Like AlcoholEdu.
We advanced our number one goal of ensuring that students have no fun whatsoever by banning any and all o-week parties. This successfully continued our elimination of all things that make Duke unique. First to go: Tailgate, Pauly Dogs and the completely illogical class numbering. Now: o-week. Next: the adorableness that is President Brodhead? We haven’t decided.
Now we’ve heard the backlash from naysayers. “The parties will go off-campus,” you say. “It’s better if they’re on-campus so the administration can ensure that they’re safe.” Well, Captain Know-It-All, we haven’t been invited to any off-campus parties. I mean… if they were happening, we’d be invited. And if we weren’t, I’m sure it’s because they spelled our name wrong on the listserv or something. We, like, definitely know enough people to be on the listserv.
Furthering the house model will also be key this year. Now we’ve heard it all: “In trying to give independents more power, you’re doing the opposite. They don’t want to be in selective groups—that’s why they’re didn’t join one.” No, silly! They’re not in one because they love selective groups so much that they couldn’t choose just one, and they needed us to pick for them! Independents, you are WELCOME! Well, actually, you’re not welcome on campus anymore. But we accept your thanks! We take Visa.
We’re also continuing to fight against hazing. As usual, we will target groups that have never even heard of hazing. Citing sororities for providing free food was child’s play. This year, we’re looking into Duke’s squirrels. They’ve gotten a little too bold lately. Au Bon Pain seems suspicious, too. There’s no way that many people eat salads willingly. And those people on the plaza trying to register voters are the worst offenders. The monotony of their spiel is reminiscent of a song playing on repeat for six hours in a damp fraternity house basement—not that anyone has EVER endured THAT. Now, we know what you’re thinking. “Citing people for hazing for absolutely everything minimizes the REAL hazing incidents that somehow go unnoticed,” you say. “The publicized incidents don’t even scratch the surface of hazing at Duke,” you say. You know what? GET OUT OF OUR LETTER! Who invited you here?! You were probably a waitlisted student, anyway.
Our final goal for the year—and this is really where we’re putting in effort—is to alienate Duke’s women. We gaze fondly back to the days before 1972, when women left us well enough alone. Our initial step was to quarantine Duke’s largest women’s organization to Duke’s worst campus. With the asbestos, mold and scary-movie murder-scene lighting, we doubt we’ll be seeing much of them anymore.
However, just in case, we decided we’d go beyond administrative tactics and branch into a whole new ball game: civil rights violations. Hey, how long do you have to report a rape in North Carolina? Oh, forever? Not at Duke, you don’t! Better file that report within one year, because after that… we’re like, busy. We just got the iPhone 5, and there are some really cool apps on this thing, so take the drama to your mama.
That’s about it for our goals for the year! Please consider joining us in our quest for complete dominance over not only the U.S. News rankings, but also the Duke student body.
Okay, readers, I’m not typically this embittered in my articles. But as I got to my last point regarding Duke’s arbitrary and outrageous statute of limitations on sexual assault, I found myself infuriated. Over the years, minor frustrations caused by the administration have become idiocies, and now idiocies have devolved into downright injustices. I cannot stand it anymore.
But as easy as it would be, we can’t fully blame this on the administration. Duke was once an activist campus. Nowadays, we fervently complain about Tailgate, game attendance and a lack of section parties, but watch idly by as the LGBT center is stripped of sufficient space. We quickly forgot when Duke told its black students that their GPA was not worth as much as that of their peers. We do nothing as Duke women routinely have their rights downgraded—coming after what’s easiest for the administration.
I usually have no point to my articles other than making people laugh, and after this week I will click right back into that groove. But if, in my time here, I could impress one message onto you, it is this: Stand up and do something.
Lillie Reed is a Trinity junior. Her installation of the weekly Socialites column runs on alternate Wednesdays. You can follow Lillie on Twitter @LillieReed.