I do not want to give off the impression that I have nothing but complaints about this University. Surely, there are many good things here, in spite of the increased amount of rabble we admit, and so I would like to spend today’s column thanking the beloved institution I write for every week: The Chronicle.
You see, although I am well acquainted with the ways of the world, the areas of science largely escape me. I fund many scientific groups, certainly (most of them have done splendid work disproving that hogwash about my fossil fuel companies contributing to climate change), but it takes an institution like The Chronicle to really make the crucial discoveries palatable to a layman like me.
Just this week, the front page of the newspaper informed me, “Weed, alcohol mix hurts learning.” And thank God. I was worried that perhaps the combination of the two drugs would create a gifted sect amongst the lower classes, as we all know that it is they who partake the most of these substances. The last thing this country needs is drugged-up, superhero minorities trying to outlearn the honest, hard-working children of job creators.
As well, the use of the precise term “weed” certainly described adequately the research these scientists did. I can only imagine the difficulty it took to feed lab rats marijuana and vodka, simultaneously, one day during midterms week, and then get them to even show up for a written exam the next day. At least, I assume this is what happened, as I merely skimmed the rest of the article.
Nor did The Chronicle’s scientific news efforts end there. I was also informed that "ethical questions rise as circumcisions fall,” a medical trend vital to those in the Duke community (and not just those of the Hebrew persuasion, although I was sure to immediately forward the information to the legal and accounting divisions of **** Energy). After all, it is at the fore of the national conversation, according to The Chronicle, so I’m glad they left me with the conversation fully covered.
The article also left me with advice I can pass on to others. A professor quoted in the article noted, “Circumcision is not a foolproof thing—you can lose your penis in the process. Do not try this at home,” and I have to say I’m glad this article came out when it did. My son, Geoffrey, intended to have a quick circumcision for his son before dinner the night he brought the child home, not at all realizing the risks a DIY circumcision might bring. He wasn’t even sure which utensil he should use! And how could he, without the information given to him by The Chronicle? Luckily, I got Geoffrey to put down the whisk, and leave the circumcision to the medical experts and/or bearded Jews.
The most important thing is that The Chronicle is doing its job as a student newspaper by discussing the issues that hit closest to home. Students don’t need to know about the effects that fraternity and sorority life moving to Central Campus have had on campus living, nor need they care about any potential crackdowns on behavior on East Campus, because such issues are largely irrelevant to their lives. Any attempts to describe actual social trends, in terms positive or negative, are merely child’s play in this grand new era of science.
Why, just this Friday I learned that “study says fish oil supplements lack health benefits.” And if I know anything about the Duke student body, it’s that fish oil supplement news is the news that hits closest to home.
The Grumpy Trustee had one more circumcision joke, but was forced to cut it at the last minute.