Oh hey, didn’t see ya there. Gossip Bro here, and it is my distinct pleasure to make your acquaintance. I’ll be occupying this column every Monday for the rest of the semester, telling you what’s what and who’s who from the comfort of my anonymity. I hope to see you around.

First, a little bit about myself. Many people will say I’m judgmental and that I discriminate based on weight or appearance or socioeconomic status. I’d like to dispel these rumors early on by paraphrasing a great philosopher: I am not primarily an advocate of sizeism but of lookism; and I am not primarily an advocate of lookism but of elitism. If one recognizes the supremacy of elitism and applies it consistently, all the rest follows.

But enough about me. Since anybody who’s anybody is going to read this column, you’re probably anxiously awaiting my opinion on the latest goings on of the day. So what’s happening today?

It’s Monday – the first Monday – so let’s talk about what’s on everyone’s mind: Back to School!

Remember high school, when these words use to mean books, pens, binders and disappointment? Disappointment borne from the conclusion of our careless summers and the sad return of our tortured quest to gain entry into some prestigious university that we could brag about to the end of our days.

Well guess what? We did it! We’re here, and everything is awesome. Now, “back to school” is the most welcome phrase we can hope for. It means we can leave our finance internships and senators’ offices where we spent our summers actually doing stuff and return to the heaven on earth that is Duke University.

To anyone who is still complaining about having to go back to school, I have but a few things to point out.

You get to live in gigantic gothic castles on pristine grounds, surrounded by all of your friends. Everyone around you is your age and down to drink you under the table at a moment’s notice. You can be drunk at all times in every sort of public place you can imagine. You don’t have to go to class if you don’t feel like it. Almost everyone you have to interact with scored higher than 2,200 on the SAT, and if they didn’t then they can run really fast or play the English horn or some other cool thing.

Oh yeah, and everything is FREE. You can get any type of food you could dream of on your fake money card, whenever you want and however much you want. You can go to the WaDuke and get poached tiger shrimp cocktail, filet mignon and a $300 bottle of wine—all for free, with your food points! Not food dollars or food money—they’re points! You can get everything from cigarettes to solo cups, from cigars to condoms, for free. But careful, you can’t use food points for these—you’ll have to use FLEX points!

Now I know what you’re thinking: “What if I run out of points?” Oh no! Time to get out your Internet phone and add however many points you want, no matter where you are, by clicking a button that says, “Add Points.”

And that’s not all. There’s a free state-of-the-art gym for you to use, a free 24-hour McDonald’s, free high-speed wireless internet, sprawling botanical gardens, free transportation (including a party bus that takes you to Shooters)—there’s even free psychological counseling, for God’s sake.

And the best part? When the four-year, all-you-can-eat-and-drink playtime is over, you get a job in New York City making $100K with all your friends and do it all over again.

I still hear some of you saying, “But Gossip Bro, I’m not into spending my parents’ money and getting effed up on weekends!” Well it’s never too late to start, so loosen up and start enjoying the prime of your life at the all-inclusive playground for successful people that you worked so hard to get to.

Gossip Bro wishes you a heady new year.