DURHAM -- The first ever "Take Your Humanities Buddy to School Day," sponsored by the Science and Engineering Student Association, went "extremely well" according to Walter Grambling, a Pratt senior and organizer of the TYHBS Day. The event was designed to bridge the growing gap between the science majors who "actually contribute to society" and the humanities majors who "pretty much just jack around all the time, but in a cute way."

"We didn't organize the day thinking, OWe're going to show these philosophy majors how pointless their lives are.' Nobody should think that. We love our humanities friends and feel that it's important for them to know what goes on with us from the time we get out of bed for physics lab at 9:10 until the time we stumble home from Teer at 1 or 2 in the morning. It helps them understand why we can't spend as much quality time with them as we'd like," Grambling said.

"And to give them some credit, the humanities buddies were pretty brave and sometimes enthusiastic about the idea of tagging along for a day. A lot of them were curious to see what OGross Chem' and OTeer' looked like. Some were scared. Others were petrified, but we kept assuring them that math is just a collection of numbers and symbols and that there was nothing to be afraid of, and everyone made it through the day unscathed. I heard a report that somebody's humanities buddy peed his pants in Computer Science 196, but other than that, it went pretty smoothly."

"My roommate was my humanities buddy," said freshman electrical engineer Alice Ford. "She was doing okay for a while there, telling me about her math and physics classes in high school and what-not, until we got to the LSRC staircase. I'm walking down the stairs chatting away about this or that, thinking she's right behind me, until I turn around and see her at the top of the stairs sweating and breathing heavily while clutching the handrail for dear life. I had to walk back up the stairs, take her hand and lead her down to the class."

"My mechanical engineering professor thought ahead and brought lollipops for all the little hu-buddies that were supposed to come in," said Pratt junior Gail D'Amico, "but nobody could get their buddy to set foot inside Hudson. I walked past the congregation of them at the entrance as I came in. They were talking loudly and overtly about the nuances of Rembrandt-era impressionism, as if desperately trying to come to terms with the fact they haven't learned diddly-squat since they've been at Duke. The poor things wouldn't know a derivative if it jumped up and bit them in the a--. It's sort of endearing, though, how they stick together for support like that."

"My humanities buddy was my best friend Ryan," said John Gatlin, a math major and Trinity sophomore. "During my differential equations class, the professor went into some pretty intricate and scary detail when proving the Lenoir theorem, but Ryan didn't even flinch. I was really proud of him. After class he said, OI understood everything up until the Jesus-fish started shooting laser beams at that horseshoe.' I started laughing and said, OUh, that was omega equals alpha.' You know what he said after that? Nothing. He started rapping to himself and tried to act like he'd never even said anything. It was more funny than infuriating. You just have to feel sorry for them sometimes."

But not everyone is as tolerant of the humanities majors here at Duke, and many chose not to participate in the event. "They're all wasting their time. The average humanities person will never have the full respect for what us science people go through," said admittedly salty Pratt senior Clark Jeffries. "I mean, I'm in statistics 101B this semester, finishing my major requirements, and this public policy chick leans over to me one day and says, OThis class is hard. I'm so bad at math.' I thought, OAre you kidding me? This isn't math. We're flipping coins, for Christ's sake. I'm over here in CPS 666 talking about fast Fourier transform matrices... meanwhile you're wondering what the probability of getting two heads in a row is. You want math? I'll give you math, you skank.'"

In other news, a massive meteor has knocked the eastern hemisphere of earth into space, killing billions of people and severely altering the gravitational framework of the solar system. After conferring with top University officials, President Nan Keohane has decided that classes will continue as scheduled.

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