Amidst the excitement (and crowds) of alumni weekend and Blue Devil Days, approximately a third of the student body can be found on the BC Plaza at any given time between 11 and 1 on any weekday. Hoards of students groups are seen tabling on the plaza, yelling “DO YOU CARE ABOUT CHILDREN/AIDS/THE ENVIRONMENT?” to their peers who are looking at their phones and pretending that they don’t recognize the tabler from their freshman year seminar class. While crudely drawn signs and one table with a Beats Pill are usually attractive enough the draw a large crowd to the plaza, this past week, a different event created a frenzy on the plaza.
On Tuesday, a group of students stormed the plaza, interrupting an impromptu Swing Dance performance to a mash-up of “Hound Dog” and “Hips Don’t Lie” to protest the lack of good mac-and-cheese on campus. The student group, dressed in bright orange and carrying posters with phrases such as, “Use your noodle: get us the mac we deserve” and “It’s not too cheesy: we want mac,” stood in the center of the plaza where they protested for 15 minutes before leaving to make their 1:25 classes. Their central list of demands, which enumerates the current mac and cheese options on campus and their problematic natures, is detailed below. The Chronicle obtained this information via the list being written in Velveeta on the side of the Chapel.
The Krafting of the University:
- ABP Mac
Perhaps the biggest offender to the state of mac and cheese at this university is the puny excuse for mac and cheese that is served at the casual French dining restaurant Au Bon Pain. The waxy substance sits in a metal vat all day, waiting for students to pass up on the healthier soups surrounding it, in favor of overcooked shells and processed, oily sauce. There are few foods on campus than incur such negative judgement form passerbys as ABP mac and cheese. The foundation of ABP is bread—how can they mess up the convergence of bread and cheese so terribly? Duke students deserve better.
2. Farmstead Mac
Oh, sweet, sweet Farmstead - home of overpriced meals and flannel shirts. The Farmstead Mac is a noble try- it has the right noodle shape, and a nicely baked crust. The issue, however, is the cheese distribution throughout the entire serving. Halfway through the mac, the cheese is no longer cheese, and just simply grease. Greasy mac is frankly unfair to students, and the administration taking advantage of students’ trusting dispositions. Bottom Line: Farmstead mac is the Tammany Hall of dairy foods.
3. Krafthouse Mac
A little known fact is that the dark hole known as “The Devil’s Krafthouse” serves a steaming bowl of mac and cheese. This mac and cheese is perhaps the most insidious, because it looks like the perfect man. Thicc elbow noodles, a good cheese pull when you take a bite, and a sprinkle of pepper on the top. It’s the perfect mac catfish. The problem, however, is the consistently. The mush. The chewy, gruel-like elasticity really belies the true failure of Krafthouse mac. I defy you to eat more than two bites. This is truly a downfall of the university—one could even claim that it’s part of a systematic starvation tactic employed by the school. It’s not not true.
4. Div School Mac
Div School make, firstly, is exclusive. Only on Wednesdays? The Office of Institutional Equity will hear about this. And Buffalo Mac? Just another instance of the university supporting New York prep school macs over underprivileged macs. Despicable.
5. Mac n Cheese Bites from The Loop
The Loop is the voice of the people, there’s no question about that. The Loop is the small voice that cries out against the oppression of West Union, and appeals to the proletariat study body. Yet, The Loop has led to one massive heartbreak: the mac and cheese bites. Now, the mac and cheese bites are good. They are a great snack after a long night of “protesting.” But friends, Romans, countrymen, why can’t we just have the mac and cheese that’s inside the bite? When will the university step up and allow The Loop to serve just normal mac and cheese. Give us what we all know is right.
It is high time that the university start respecting the demands of students on campus. Duke is a campus of active protesting, and our student body is starting to mobilize in favor of issues that are central to our well-being, and will set a precedent for future students. If you are interested in joining the movement, contact bringthemacback@duke.edu.
Friday Friday is an anonymous satirical column that runs on alternate Fridays. They would like it to be known that all their articles are living documents, and that they will be on the BC plaza passing out single, uncooked noodles to raise awareness for such an important issue. Friday Friday is also extremely lactose intolerant.
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Friday Friday is Monday Monday’s off-brand satirical cousin. Look out for Friday Friday on Tinder, and Friday Friday would like it to be known that they are available for frat rush date functions.