In response to repeated fat-shaming by members of the Duke community, Peaches has broken her silence and isn’t holding back.
“First off, let’s just correct the language surrounding the issue—I’m not fat, I’m thicc,” Peaches said in between massive bites of her fourth lunch. “And you're the ones who caused this in the first place. If all these students would just stop giving me food all the time, then maybe I wouldn't have ballooned up so much in the past year."
Reportedly unsatisfied with scraps and leftovers being left by students, Peaches recently enrolled in Plan E with nearly 3,700 food points per semester.
Duke Dining wrote in an email to The Chronicle that though they do not typically divulge individual food plans for privacy reasons, Peaches’ new penchant for dining at West Union has resulted in a considerable uptick in sales this semester.
“In one sense, it’s a great deal for us because Peaches will tear through any food plan, even Plan E, so she’ll just keep spending and spending,” said one Duke Dining administrator, who requested anonymity out of fear of being sat on by Peaches.
The beloved cat, however, stressed the emotional toll that this fat shaming has taken on her and slammed her critics.
“Most of this isn’t even fat. It’s simply due to increased water retention I’ve been having lately and inflammation due to a rare disease that runs in my family,” Peaches said in between tears. “Haters can say what they want, but I love my body and thicc figure.”
The Chronicle also spoke with some of Peaches’ former acquaintances, who painted a different picture of the curvaceous campus cat—one of tragic Shakespearean downfall from vivacity to lethargy.
Apples, a friend of Peaches until the latter rushed second semester, noted that her former friend “has totally changed” since becoming a campus icon.
“Peaches always used to be bubbly and full of life. Now she’s fat and full of food,” Apples said.
Despite the controversy around her figure, Peaches insisted that she isn’t planning to cut back or let the criticism affect her self-perception. In fact, she is beginning to embrace her thicc figure, especially after E! News published an article with exclusive photos of Peaches’ beachwear during her spring break trip to Cabo.
“If the shamers want to keep doing their thing, fine. You just mad I'm thicc,” she said. “But I’m off to get four scoops of gelato and two crepes from the Café.”
Editor's note: Happy April Fool's Day! In case it wasn't clear, this is a satirical article for "The Chomicle." Check out more Chomicle content here.
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