When you reach the level of comedic genius that I have, it can be challenging to organize all of your thoughts. To remedy that problem I began compiling a list where I sorted through everything at Duke. Today I share that list with the world; you’re welcome.
The Good
- The Chapel: 10/10 tall boi
- Marvin Bagley III: 9/10 tall boi (I hear he’s going to Yale Law!)
- Perkins L2: come to hear the moans and groans of students struggling through late night essays. Stay for questionable stains on the chair cushions.
- Grayson Allen: apologies, the second half of this joke is completely missing
- Duke Wellness: 10/10 oxymoron
- Pike: super unique group of cool bros
- Pi Kapp: super unique group of cool dudes
- ATO: super unique group of cool guys
- Wayne Manor: super unique group of cool pals
- KA: lost their entire pledge class in a paper factory
- Quenchers: you never realize how much you truly love something until you’ve lost it. Kidding, they make smoothies—get over yourself.
- Jarvis: who knew kale smoothies could talk?!
- Line Monitors: who knew jackets could comprise entire personalities?!
- Duke Alerts: “Hey, this deeply alarming thing happened on campus. Yesterday. Sorry for the delay I had a great Candy Crush streak going. Love, LMo”
- Key Three: for reaching the Mt. Everest of peaking in college
- Being Monday Monday: for reaching the Mariana Trench of peaking in college (please god help im trapped they wont let me go they just keep forcing me to write jokes *sounds of beating*)
- Where was I? Ah yes.
- Duke Gardens: just a bunch of twiggy boys hanging out in a circle—nothing to see here, folks
- President Price: taking down statues and putting up tuition since 2017
- The Ruby: who needs financial aid programs when you can DANCE INSTEAD!
- Shooters: who needs a healthy social life when you can DANCE INSTEAD!
- Defmo: who needs a sick dance troupe when—wait DEFMO SHOWCASE IS APRIL 14 PAGE AUDITORIUM 5-7 PM!
The Bad
- Economics majors: my parents made me write this joke but at least I picked my own major
- Public Policy majors: for masking failures in Economics and English as a chance to “do public service”
- History majors: @editors I actually am one—can we move this to the “Good” pile? *more sounds of beating*
- The Office of Student Conduct: DukeBlue Wi-Fi works more reliably
- DUI: “Can I get a noun? And now an adjective? Awesome—I’m gonna be a wobbly toaster for this scene ahaha”
- Inside Joke: DUI Lite
- Duke’s Nobel Prize-Winning Theater Studies Department: “Come see my one many play about a pickle farmer in Southern Idaho who struggles with an addiction to tiddlywinks.”
- pArts: more like P Farts!
- pWaves: P-WHAT? No, seriously, I’m deaf.
- DSG Judiciary: We’re definitely not a**-naked under these dumb robes
- Cooper: “Hi, have I mentioned that I’m a ROBERTSON SCHOLAR?”
- Kristina Smith’s iPad: Robert Mueller’s coming for you
- West Union water cups: if I had a quarter for every time—f*** it never mind...
- Pitchforks: perfect for that post-study late-night getting drooled on by your lab partner crushing a Haystack
- The Pitchforks: I’m a Speak of the Devil guy—had to draw the line somewhere in this a cappella war
- CAPS: I’d rather have depression, thanks.
- Duke Football: that was the joke
- Happy and Hale: we get it, you’re white (yoga pants required)
- The LDOC Committee: keep up the great work! Really, I love mediocre rap.
- Old Duke: hosting anti-Semites since 2018
- 300 Swift: 301 Swift’s more attractive twin sister
The Ugly
- Duke Republicans: we don’t hate Muslims, we just invited someone to tell us why we should.
- Duke Construction: you’ve heard of Big Pharma, you’ve heard of Big Oil, but I’ll be damned if Duke isn’t in cahoots with Big Glass.
- Grayson’s rim-out: I’ve never seen a sports play encapsulate my entire life so perfectly.
- C3 passengers: I don’t know who you people are but I fear you
- The Loop Bar: “I’ve always wanted to meet an alcoholic!”
- Duke Hospital: college is a time of pondering one’s mortality, so let’s put students next to a whole bunch of death
- Nugget: she still f***king hates you
- Whoever designed the Bryan Center: so you played too much Minecraft or what?
- Duke’s Kunshan campus: Gee wow we paid for an entire new campus! Where do I catch the bus to that from?
- Big C1: 1/10 bendy boi
Tallman Trask
- Tallman Trask: because lying about hit-and-runs never gets old.
If you didn’t make the list it’s probably a good thing.
Correction: Monday Monday earlier stated mistakenly that Duke’s Theater Studies Department was “Nobel Prize-winning”; as of yet the department has been awarded no such title but Monday Monday is sure they’d do a great job of pretending they did.
This joke should be at the very bottom of the “ugly” column; my sincerest apologies to anyone who has to keep reading these. It’ll never happen again.
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