Monday and Tuesday of this week were exciting days on Duke’s campus due to the annual Young Trustee election. This election, in which students elect a fellow undergraduate to a three-year position on the Board of Trustees, is a staple of spring semester. While students are feeling overwhelmed with tenting, midterms, and internship applications, advocating for the Young Trustee candidate of their choice allows them to have sliver of control of their hectic Duke life.
For the weeks leading up to the election, Duke students’ Facebook feeds were flooded with temporary profile pics with vociferous captions using awkwardly vague phrases such as, “sociocultural engagement” and “dynamic, people-driven mover and shaker.” Social gerrymandering became evident as various student groups endorsed the candidates. Many students reported having a common experience of wondering, “Wait, how in the world does this candidate and my friend know each other?”
The answer, however, was simple: both people were members of the Duke Society for Saving Endangered Shellfish, which meets once a year in the attic of the Divinity School. Freshman GroupMe’s resurfaced, with that girl on your hall who never spoke to you except that one time during O-Week when she thought you kinda looked like someone from her high school writing that she “really valued everyone’s voice and vote, and thus encouraged everyone to exercise his or her democratic right as a student and vote in the Young Trustee election! *aggressively smiling emoji*.” Brightly-colored posters were circulated all around campus, and short-lived promotional Instagram accounts followed every person with “Duke” in his or her bio. For 24 hours, Duke was split into sanctions, each proclaiming the virtues of their candidate.
The Chronicle spent the day in which the ballot was live to survey students about their opinions and thoughts about the hotly contested election. The first question The Chronicle asked students who were wandering the BC Plaza was to name three current members of the Board of Trustees. Most students could recall that Apple CEO Tim Cook and NBA Commissioner Adam Silver sat on the board, but when they were pushed to name a third member, the most common response was an ode to the blinking white guy meme.
Students were then asked if they knew what the role of the Young Trustee was, with most students confidently answering, “Yeah, they sit on the Board and learn about the internal processes that contribute to decision-making and the university.” However, when The Chronicle asked students to specify about the details of the Young Trustee’s role, several theories as to the particulars of the job were thrown out. Below are a few of the most compelling theories.
- “The Young Trustee is essentially a coffee-fetching intern for the Board. Except, instead of the YT getting macchiatos and cold brews, he or she has to bring the Board a UNC graduate’s skull filled with finely-aged red wine. It’s not like a weird thing, it’s just a sign of respect and authority. Like LBJ whipping out his, well, you know.”
- “Clealy the YT is inducted to the upper echelons of the business community, like, immediately. All the board meetings are held on a yacht, and all the CEOs of different consulting companies lounge on the deck and gamble away their second-born children. The YT is there to organize events. Like, shuffleboard at 8 p.m. and laughing at the less fortunate at 9.”
- “They all go to the big glass Apple Store in NYC. Underneath it is a giant vault that contains all of Duke’s endowment money. The board sets up a giant dart game, and who ever loses has to find donations to build something new on campus. I heard that Adam Silver is looking for backers to build a new table tennis facility. The YT is in charge of picking up the darts using golden tongs.”
While the actual role of the Young Trustee may remain shrouded in mystery, and probably old cloaks that are worn only during a full moon, Duke now indeed knows who will fill the position.
On Tuesday, it was announced that Amy Kramer will be Duke’s newest Young Trustee. Eyewitnesses report that eagles were seen soaring near Kramer’s dorm. The eagles reportedly carried baskets full of paperback copies of Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” and discount coupons to Macy’s. The eagles then reportedly locked eyes with Amy, then disappeared in a puff of smoke that smelled of wood chips and a ticket straight to Wall Street.
As profiles pictures change from campaign photos to UNC game homages, campus shall settle back into the blissful ignorance surrounding the going-ons of the Board of Trustees. As for Friday Friday’s favorite YT theory, let’s just say that the creaking you hear in the dead of night isn’t the old wood boards in the walls, but a sneaky Amy Kramer, searching for that special idea that will rightfully place Duke back above UPenn.
Friday Friday is an anonymous satirical column that runs on opposite Fridays. Friday Friday would like to encourage readers to check out their Soundcloud ego,
“Yung Tru$$tee.” Friday Friday would also like readers to take note that a classic Merlot tastes best in the aforementioned drinking vessels.
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Friday Friday is Monday Monday’s off-brand satirical cousin. Look out for Friday Friday on Tinder, and Friday Friday would like it to be known that they are available for frat rush date functions.