After years of sneaking into the establishment with the help of misguided Duke students they knew from high school, the hordes of UNC students finally lay claim to Shooters. Without a basketball team capable of penetration to defeat them, the state school’s capture of Durham’s #1 cultural site could not be prevented. Roy Williams initially ordered the establishment to be remodeled but, upon setting foot inside, immediately decided to have it razed to the ground. The alcohol which had soaked into every crack and crevice of the building over the years creates an inferno which can be seen from as far away as Raleigh. The UNC students rampage further down main street, burning down Devine’s, James Joyce, the Federal, and even the hallowed East Campus Domino’s Pizza. Since its existence inflicted more suffering upon Duke students than its potential destruction, Skewers was spared. 

All over campus. students go hungry after 2 a.m., and the fake driver’s license industry collapses. From the ashes of Shooters II UNC builds Shooters III, which Roy Williams refers to as a “study hall” where the basketball team can spend its mornings and afternoons.

Tragically, UNC uses its new off-campus base to strike at Central Campus in coordination with the Association of Degenerate Privilege. After days of launching small raids on the periphery, the day of reckoning arrives. A fleet of BMWs drives down Anderson Dr. and Alexander Dr. two-by-two—Oregon St. is avoided, as the minefield of potholes and poorly patched asphalt made it too well defended. The ensuing battle rages for days. The remaining fraternities and sororities mount valiant defenses. However, the tide of war clearly was in favor of the Tar Heels. Dame’s and Uncle Harry’s had run out of beer and mixers, and the situation grew desperate.In one desperate gamble, every fraternity and sorority sent their pledges in mass at the center of the lines of UNC students, paddles waving and yelling in the afternoon sun. It was all for naught, as the breach which the pledges tore in the line was filled by the sheer number of students who had nowhere else to be during the daytime. Seeing no other choices, the residents of Central Campus surrender or flee.

UNC immediately begins the demolition of Central. Tallman Trask, joyfully watches the conflagration, the spread of which was only slowed by the sheer amount of asbestos in the buildings. Trask turns to Roy Williams, who was coughing from the fumes and says, “Just think of how the air will be once we’ve added our three new coal-fired power plants! Just look, everything is going ahead of schedule. Ha! And they said it would take until 2025 to eradicate this mold-infested cesspool!”

With the flames in the distance, droves of refugees and ex-Greeks flee to East Campus looking for sanctuary and succor. Fortunately for them, Sir Guarcamole, the Lord of East Campus, embraces the newcomers with open arms. Guarcamole saw that the petty differences which once divided Duke students means little in the face of the existential threat that the hordes of UNC students presented. However, such a drastic change in Duke’s housing policy—allowing upperclassmen and Greek life on East Campus, something which has never been done before—proves very triggering to many of the RAs and RCs. The Conspiracy decides it is time to restore order to East Campus before Guarcamole ruins HDRL’s popular and far-sighted policies. The plotters meet in the East Campus tunnels, and determine that regime change is necessary.

They reassume their pledges of fealty to HDRL, and recall Dean of Residential Life Joe Gonzalez to campus.

At the final Marketplace feature dinner of the year, Sir Guarcamole arrives an hour early to wait in the line which already stretches from Marketplace to Lilly. He nods politely at the multitude of RAs both in front and behind him. As the line slowly drudges up to the steps of Marketplace, Sir Guarcamole is ambushed by his former subordinates. They surround Guarcamole, tackle him to the ground, hold him down, and force-pour an entire fifth of Everclear down his gullet. Not the 75.5 percent variety, mind you, but rather the 190-proof stuff which could power a submarine. As his consciousness faded and he slipped into the void, he gasped: “HDRL delenda est!”

The Lord of East Campus expires within 15 minutes. The RAs leave his body on the steps of Marketplace for all to see. When the most loyal of the upperclassmen refugees and freshmen saw their beloved patron struck down, a group of them ran to Student Conduct to report the event. Student Conduct, in a completely uncharacteristic move, immediately accused the friends of Guarcamole of making up the story and trying to defame most of East Campus' reputable residents. 

Stephen Bryan, the director of student conduct, then declared that they were suspended, as he had not yet met his self-imposed quota for the month. He then moved to have the students apprehended. Dean Gonzalez then emerged from the East Campus Coffeehouse (a perfect hiding place, seeing as only seven non-hipster students are aware of its location). Having just finished a phone call, he was smiling ear-to-ear. Gonzalez then announced a new era of law and order, where quiet hours lasted all day and smoking and alcohol were forbidden.

To those hearing it, all the talk sounded suspiciously familiar. Thankfully, a few Guarcamole loyalists escaped to fight another day.

Meanwhile, on West Campus, the Holy Alliance led by Bill Brooney appears invincible. Every last remnant of Greek life and SLGs has been stamped out, and the survivors that did not surrender and join his movement were in hiding. Rumor of the attack on Central Campus had not yet reached West. In order to ensure stability and provide a saintly and undebauched replacement to the once popular LDOC celebration, Brooney plans a Lecture Series (featuring himself) to be held in the Chapel. The topic of the talk? Heretics, Infidels, and Miniskirts: Things God Hates. Attendance is mandatory for his disciples and all his prisoners. Visible shoulders or ankles are forbidden. Duke cards are scanned at the door.

However, not all are meekly allowing Brooney to inherit all the campus. The Dame of Raisethehell moves forward with a cabal which seeks to overthrow Bill Brooney the Pious’ new kingdom and establish her own. Raisethehell sees a perfect opportunity to utilize her secret weapon, and plans accordingly. Watching the Chapel from the Few Tower, she dispatches her agents to do their work.

On the eve of the lecture, at the stroke of seven, Bill Brooney ascends to the Chapel’s Altar. After a 20-minute Latin homily, he begins his lecture. “Greetings, former heathens and the elect! You come here at a most fortuitous time. By our righteous might, the evildoers are being driven from the land of West Campus, and those who have seen their error of their ways are repenting. Behold, a sinner comes before you!”

A tall, slender figure emerges from the dungeon stairwell, wearing a shapeless gown of sackcloth and bound by chains. Gangrooly joined Bill Brooney on the altar. “What Brother Brooney speaks is truth. We had lost our way, bickering over petty laws and encouraging hedonism while we averted our eyes from our moral emptiness. I was blind, but now I see! We must join Brother Brooney’s cause to purify the Three Campuses and bring about an age of true social justice.”

Brooney smiles. He thanks Gangrooly and unlocks her chains, releasing Gangrooly into the congregation to be seen and not heard. As she descends the steps, she gives a wink to her “repentant” DSG associates and checks her LinkedIn.

As Brooney begins to preach again, a rumble interrupts him. He pauses. The lecture stops. The puzzled zealots scan the room expecting a divine apparition. A frigid gas begins to fill the room, slowly at first, then in a sudden rush. In the Chapel basement, numerous canisters of liquid nitrogen used long ago at the West Union Café for nitro-ice cream were pouring forth their icy contents.

The forgotten armament rapidly drops the temperature of the room below zero, and the DSG prisoners and members of the Holy Alliance trample one in another in an attempt to escape the building. They soon find the doors to have been barred. All the exits were sealed. After five minutes, the stained glass windows burst. The Chapel's roof and supports begin freeze and crack. After 10 minutes, the great and ancient spire begins to collapse. When it lands, it shakes the earth and shatters all things beneath it like one of Trask’s glass boxes hit by a rock. The symbol of Duke is an icy ruin.

Now, Duke is in complete and utter despair. Central Campus has been destroyed by fire, West Campus by ice, and East Campus by HDRL. West Campus is in a state of total anarchy, and East’s freedom has been lost. The collapse is made evident to the entire nation when US News and World Report drops Duke’s ranking from eighth in the nation to 15th, tied with Cornell, perhaps the worst tragedy yet.

Trask and Roy Williams meet one last time to plan UNC and the Association of Degenerate Privilege’s final assault on West Campus and to seize Cameron Indoor Stadium. 

A plane from Philadelphia lands at RDU. Coach K descends the steps, with Vincent Price and the entire men’s basketball team.

This is the sixth installment of The Pledgemaesters.