In his last days in office, President Brodhead has elected to bequeath all funds raised in the Duke Forward capital campaign to The Chronicle’s Editorial Board. After agonizing over a long list of potential improvements that this obscene amount of money should go toward, we decided on five proposals. For the sake of transparency, here are the ways we will be spending those $3.25 billion dollars:
While the Chapel is near and dear to all our hearts, we now possess the financial ability to expand upon this testament to Duke’s rich history. By 2024, we will construct a new, bigger chapel on East Campus. To keep with recent architectural themes, it will be built entirely of glass and the tears of Pratt students. The new monstrosity will be erected on top of Baldwin and will only be accessible through scheduled helicopter trips. The interior of the new chapel will be dedicated to an exclusive fine dining experience that will outdo The Commons. The menu will feature only the finest fifty dollar bills for consumption.
Next, now that Duke has the capacity to pay all dues, every student will get to experience Greek life during their college careers. The University will be founding new chapters and maintaining the long tradition of reinforcing gender binaries starting with the incoming Class of 2021. Segments of the undergraduate population who otherwise might not have been able to subject themselves to hazing and emotional abuse during the rush process will now be donning their own set of letters and binge-drinking the weekend away.
We will also be funneling a sizable portion of the new trust into buying a country off the coast of Latin America solely for the purposes of DukeEngage. Our bright-eyed undergraduates, eager to volunteer in a place they know nothing about and offer up their meager understanding of economic and agricultural development, will now have their very own private country to meddle in. The natives will be employed by Duke for the purposes of taking pictures with students for Instagram and Facebook profile pictures. When not fulfilling the White Savior Complexes of Duke undergraduates, the country will function as an offshore storage for all the extra money we have lying around.
Moreover, in maintaining the stature of our prominent Division I athletic program, we will also be diverting extensive funds from Duke Forward into Duke Athletics. In light of recent reports that have highlighted the low numbers of student-athletes majoring in quantitative studies, “Rocks for Jocks” will now be converted into an official academic department at Duke complete with rubber-stamped degrees on hand for all those one-and-done Blue Devils. Also, each student-athlete will be provided their own moped, courtesy of the generous Duke Lacrosse Endowment.
Additionally, the Editorial Board will utilize funding to move into the final stages of implementing our Liberal Agenda on campus. This includes banning Reagan Bush ‘84 bro tanks, dissolving the administration and replacing it with a Soviet-style Council of People’s Commissars as well as flying pride flags from every window on campus. Toothbrushes and other personal property will be collectivized and distributed equally among the student body. Shooter's will be converted from a drunken capitalist cesspool into a “safe space” for all Duke students to discuss the many ways we can dismantle the patriarchy.
Keep an eye out for these developing projects and remember to thank our benevolent donors!
In case you haven’t noticed, this was a joke edit! Happy LDOC!