With Easter rapidly approaching, the newly formed Holy Alliance has been busy. In between daily masses, the Crusaders train in secret to reclaim control of the Three Campuses. However, Bill Brooney realizes that he cannot do it alone; he simply does not have the numbers. As a result, Brooney seeks temporary allies. He first tries to parlay with Greek organizations he thinks may be sympathetic. A Holy Alliance emissary is sent to every organization not deemed too reprehensible, but only the Frayed-Tee Bros of Craven Quad respond. However, when Brooney arrives to negotiate the formation of a coalition, he finds only the ruins of what had once been the Frayed-Tee Bros section. It appears that the Women’s Housing Option had finally driven these propagators of male privilege into the ground.

Unfortunately, Bill Brooney’s only option now is to do the unthinkable: ally with DSG. Relations between DSG and religious life had been tense to say the least. A rebellion had almost broken out when DSG refused to fund the retreats and religious celebrations of various groups on campus back in 2017, and since then the two sides had more or less excommunicated one another.

When Bill Brooney enters the Chapel with his closest Disciples to meet with Queen Gangrooly, the hostility is quite detectable. The two leaders sit down in Gangrooly’s office, nicely situated behind the High Altar, and negotiations begin.

Gangrooly grins, fully aware that New DSG has all the leverage in the situation. “Trustee Brooney, I must admit…I am rather surprised to see you back on campus. None return to campus after graduation, apart from Alumni Weekend of course. What do you want from DSG, and what do you have to offer?”

“Your Majesty, highest praises on your most free and fair election. I humble myself before Ye today for I seeketh a mutually beneficial agreement between our peoples. While the DSG and the factions of the Holy Alliance may not shareth the same ideals, we surely both desire to see peace and harmony restored to Duke. Only through such stability can the Kingdom of God be established upon this Earth. Like yourself, we yearn for order, discipline, and an end to the degeneracy which plagues these lands. Thus, we desire that Your Highness accepts the Holy Alliance as her most loyal and subservient vassal, so that we may end these tumultuous times for the benefit of all God’s children. All we ask in return is the restoration of our Retreat funds, so that we may train our neophytes in the Way of the Lord, and usage of this most sacred Chapel during our Easter Mass, for Cameron Indoor Stadium is too expensive to rent.”

The Queen immediately consults her trusted advisor, the Weis-man. The esteemed EVP eagerly replies, “My Queen, I ordered our aspiring consultants and investment bankers to run a cost-benefit analysis of the proposal set before us. All 50 of them concurred that the agreement is most beneficial. It will surely allow us to crush the Greeks once and for all, and allow the Senate to reign supreme over all the land!”

After the Treaty is signed, the Holy Alliance quickly gets to work mopping up the decadence found on West Campus. All the standing desks in Perkins are destroyed, AElliance’s bootlegging trade is halted and its vaults raided, the Bryan Center’s art exhibit is replaced entirely with religious frescoes and reliefs, and the entire collection of Gender Studies books is destroyed in a massive bonfire which burns for days.

While Brooney is pleased by the progress the Alliance has made in carrying out God’s work, he knows that time is running out. The overwhelming majority of the Faithful will only continue being active in the organization up to Easter, and will then return to their uncivilized ways until Christmas rolls around. It happens every time, and Brooney knows he needs to put an end to it if the power of Christ will ever be felt again on this campus permanently.

Easter was unusually cold and cloudy that year. The members of the Holy Alliance huddle inside the Chapel for Sunday Mass, eagerly awaiting the free brunch which is to follow. DSG is also present, enticed by the brunch and promise of all of that day’s offertory collections (the surplus budget was in dire need of replenishment after DSG made the innovative decision to give every Duke student three copies of The Chanticleer).

As the Mass moves along, the members of the Holy Alliance anxiously wait for the signal (previously agreed upon via a doodle poll which only one quarter of the people bothered to participate in). At the sound of the organ, Bill Brooney jumps up and loudly shouts, “Seize the heretics!”

The members of DSG, focusing intently on their phones and on the disparaging thread regarding the Mass that they created on their closed Facebook group, are caught completely off guard by the hordes of Crusaders who descend upon them. Within 20 minutes, the Senate and Queen are deposed and locked in the Chapel Crypt during the now infamous Easter Rising. Bill Brooney is crowned Trustee for Life by the priest, and immediately issues several royal decrees of his own. The DSG Sex Toy Factory is razed to the ground, the budget requests of the various religious groups are funded in their entireties, bibles are printed and distributed to all students (and like the Chanticleer, they go unread), and contraceptives of all kinds are outlawed on pain of death. Additionally, the Trinity 2020 Curriculum is amended to require 6 courses in religious studies, and the language requirement is replaced with a Latin, Hebrew and ancient Greek requirement. These initiatives required a great deal of funding, and thus most Duke groups, primarily the cultural and social advocacy ones, are either stripped entirely of their monies or dechartered outright.

In response to these heinous and treasonous actions, a massive protest by the Women’s Housing Option occurs in front of the Chapel. The Dame of Raisethehell watches her minions from Few Tower, pleased with the social justice advocacy happening on campus. Chants of “Brooney! Brooney! You are guilty!” and “#NotMyTrustee” erupt from the crowds of agitated feminists.

When confronted by this unruliness, Brooney retorts to his followers, “Methinks the ladies doth protest too much.” Afterwards, he disperses the crowd with a firehose connected to a tank of Holy Water. To Brooney’s surprise, the feminists did not melt.

This lack of tolerance infuriates Raisethehell, who immediately begins planning the downfall of the Holy Alliance. Fortunately for her, the WHO scavenging expedition to the basement of the West Union’s ruins has recently returned. The head scout delivers her report to Raisethehell. “That rumor you told me about, our freshmen have investigated...”

“And? Is it just a rumor…or something more?”

The head scout whispers into the Feminist Commander’s ear, “More. Much more.”

Meanwhile, a covert meeting occurs in the Fairview Dining Room of the Washington Duke Inn. The CEO of the Association of Degenerate Privilege, ever desperate for more power and resume additions, sees an opportunity which his daddy advised him not to pass up. Along with the other Exec Board members, he sits down at a large rectangular table, the surface of which has 30 pieces of silverware and endless baskets of WaDuke’s cheddar-bacon biscuits (when they only brought out 4 for the whole table, he threatened to call his father and have the entire staff castrated). A man in an ugly suit walks in. The room falls silent.

“Roy Williams, we are pleased that you accepted our invitation tonight. We have a proposition for you, one which we hope you will find satisfactory. We will provide you with our fleets of BMWs, arsenal of designer lacrosse sticks, and usage of our off-campus compound. In return, after the success of your invasion of Duke, we would like letters of recommendation, seats on the new Board of Trustees, and buildings named in our honor. We would also like all competing fraternities to be abolished, and to be allowed back on campus forever.”

Kennedy Meeks looks side to side, drool dripping down his chin, then stares at his boss. Roy slowly nods his head, offers a wry smile, and lights up a smoking pipe.

“Well boys, it seems we may have come to an arrangement. However, I’ll need to check with the man in charge first. It seems he’s about to arrive as we speak. Come, let’s give the boss a warm reception.”

Everyone in the room stands in unison, and walks to the entrance of the WaDuke. The members of the Association of Degenerate Privilege exchanges glances nervously, wondering what kind of monster could possibly lead such a repulsive and vile group of individuals.

A Carolina-Blue Ferrari barrels up to the WaDuke, drifting around a corner and hitting a valet at full speed. The car comes to a halt in front of the assembled persons, who all kneel out of reverence and awe. The remaining valet fretfully approaches the vehicle and slowly opens the door. Tallman Trask emerges. The CEO of the Association of Degenerate Privilege looks up at the man, eyes watering with joy and admiration. He gleefully proclaims, “He is Risen!”

This is the sixth installment of The Pledgemaesters.