To the outside world, DSG appears to be on its last legs. Vastly outnumbered and cut off from its Enzo's and Domino's deliveries, the various senators, VPs and patronage recipients cannot defend their Chapel stronghold for much longer. Despite the obvious situation, DSG still exhibits the same disconnect with reality that has plagued it since its inception. Although the engineers hastily finish their siege operations in anticipation of the upcoming assault, DSG doesn’t seem to notice. It merely continues its usual proceedings, complete with needlessly long and wordy speeches, frivolous attempts to spend the surplus fund, and arguing for hours over statutes and resolutions that nobody outside of DSG will ever know of or be affected by. Only the upper echelons of DSG’s noble class—namely Queen Ban-all and the Weis-man—fully realize the circumstance they are in.
Knowing that she’ll be graduating soon anyway, Queen Ban-all decides to sally forth against the STEMites. The attempted breakout involves a wall of fresh and eager first-years, as well as some novice sophomores. Behind them are the DSG veterans, politicians and sycophants who have experienced and thrived through years of elections, byzantine politics and resume padding. Initially, the attack goes unexpectedly well. The young Social Justice Warriors mercilessly obliterate the first line of engineers, there were to be no extensions on the deadlines of their lives. However, as the battle goes on, the younger DSG members begin to get fed up with the lack of overall progress, aloofness of their superiors and disparagement of their non-DSG peers. Eventually, their dreams of achieving glory and personal accomplishment fade. By nighttime, many of the senators and political appointees have deserted. Instead of working for DSG, they opt to instead focus on other things, such as their social lives, careers or other extracurricular activities. Without a class of new starry-eyed first years to replace the gap in man and woman power, DSG’s progress is not only halted, but almost entirely reversed.
The engineers are now once again at the doors of the Chapel. However, this time around only the DSG Executive Board remains to hold the line. All hope now appears to be lost, and almost everyone inside is ready to jump ship to a low-tier consulting firm or non-Top 10 law school out of desperation.
But wait! A noise can be heard coming from the Gardens to the East and from Craven to the West! In a totally unexpected move, the combined armies of Alfalfa Fee and the Pikapps of West Campus (once again—still not to be confused with the Pikes of Central Campus) have arrived to save Queen Ban-all from a catastrophic defeat. The Greek armies rapidly encircle and crush the surprised Pratt Stars, routing them all the way back to E-Quad. In the now famous "Treaty of Von der Saille Pavillion," Engineering Student Government agrees to disband and turn over control of the Principalities of Pratt to DSG. The engineers, now vassals, are forced back into the bondage and brutal labor conditions that they had been free from since the Fall of Trask. Coding, sleepless nights, problem sets, injurious examinations and unrealistic deadlines return once more, ending the Pratt Golden Age once and for all.
While misery returns to E-Quad, rejoicing occurs in the Chapel. After claiming all credit for the victory and adding the accomplishment to her LinkedIn and resume, the Queen grants amnesty to the deserters. A combination of uncontested snap-elections and At-Large appointments fully replete DSG’s membership. The New Senate votes to allocate $20,000 in surplus funds to the construction of an all-glass Arc de Triomphe, and another $20,000 to a celebratory feast at the WaDuke. At this feast (which you had to know at least 5 DSG members to get a wristband for), the Queen makes an astonishing announcement.
"Friends, equals, and subjects! We have made another important step in breaking down the inequality and exclusionary practices found here at Duke. With the annexation of the Pratt School of Engineering as a separate, but mostly equal, entity under Trinity, we have ensured universal prosperity and peace for our time."
The crowds cheer at this statement of progress. Duke is truly becoming a safer, more equal and more tolerant campus for all. However, not everyone is pleased. A group of ex-Pratt Stars (they transferred to Trinity in a move to preserve their sanity) kneel in protest of the Queen’s aggressive actions! This causes pandemonium; the ranks of Senators are completely unaccustomed to anyone questioning authority. Fortunately, the DSG-sponsored Task Force Against Hate and Bias quickly springs into action. Within two minutes, the protestors are beaten, arrested and hauled off to the DSG dungeons (conveniently located in Gross Hall). There, they will hopefully be reeducated in the ways of tolerance.
After this distraction, the Queen triumphantly resumes her speech.
“Seeing as I have single-handedly succeeded in this endeavor, I believe my time here needs to come to a close. My consulting job at McKinsey and Co. begins this coming Monday. Good luck to all of you!”
And with this statement, the Queen resigns her position and leaves the University. Because she doesn’t trust anyone else to run DSG, the Queen issues a royal fiat declaring her successor to be her very own clone, Gangrooly. Gangrooly comes from a long and distinguished line of DSG monarchs. A ruthless machine of efficiency and PASHion, she is a fierce opponent and a worthy successor. However, few students anticipate much deviation from the status quo. It’s not that Gangrooly appears “bad” per se. She’s more like a new iPhone: same fundamentals, slightly newer processor and graphics. Nonetheless, this action ensures that the line of succession is kept intact indefinitely. DSG’s empire seems destined to last a thousand years.
However, appearances can be deceiving. After a long period in exile, a rabble-rouser arrives at RDU. His name is Bill Brooney. Brooney has returned to Duke in order to attend a secret conference in the Divinity School’s Goodson Chapel. In attendance are representatives from the Catholic Center, CRU, the Div School, the Hindu Students Association, the Duke Chapel, Jewish Life at Duke, Muslim Life at Duke, and every other one of Duke’s religious life organizations. They meet to discuss the sharp decline in moral standards at Duke, exponential increase in debauchery and loss of university and SOFC funding. As soon as the Summit is called to order, an immediate cacophony breaks out. It only takes five minutes for the discussion to shift from the situation at Duke to vociferous debates on Transubstantiation vs. Consubstantiation, Papal Supremacy, Polytheism vs. Monotheism, Reincarnation and religious-life office space allocations (nobody wants to have to return to the Chapel basement). After half an hour of DSG-level progress, Bill Brooney stands to address the chamber.
“Comrades, instead of focusing on our differences, why don’t we focus on our similarities? Surely we all share more in common with one another then with the heathens dominating our campus? Have they brought naught but destruction and vice into our midst, angering our glorious Creator and/or Creators? I say we unite together to form a sacred pact, an unstoppable Holy Alliance, and take back what rightfully belongs to God and purify it in our preferred deity's name! After all, Duke was historically founded as a religious school. Eschewing one's tradition upsets the balance of things. Let’s begin our divine crusade by occupying the Chapel, and overturn the tables of false bills and whip the sinful leaders which doth occupy it! We shall make it the seat of our heavenly kingdom at Duke. All power to the Proselytized! Let’s make Duke Christi…erm…moral again!"
Immediately after this rousing speech (which was surely inspired by none other than the Holy Spirit itself), Brooney is elected Young Trustee of the Holy Alliance’s Board of Trustees. Will Brooney’s planned Easter Offensive succeed, or will he have to seek Reconciliation for failure? Will a new spiritual vigor cover Duke's campus, or will students do what they always do and sleep in or find excuses not to go? In time, the Pledgemaesters will reveal whether or not God had Lent good fortune to these do-gooders.
This is the sixth installment of The Pledgemaesters.
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