Was it enough?

Each year, as February comes to a close and Spring Break approaches, I find myself taking stock of my school year. “Okay,” I think, “I accomplished A, B and C. But I also failed mightily at D, E and F.” True to my barely earned economics degree, I analyze what’s important to me and what isn’t, and promise myself I’ll do better in the next year. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn’t. The point is, though, there’s always next year!

Except when there isn’t.

The frustrating thing about college is the time frame. If high school is a long slog toward finding your footing and learning social dynamics, college is supposed to be the place where you really emerge from your cocoon of awkwardness, a fully formed leader ready to make your voice heard, make something of yourself and make a difference. But here I am, in March of my senior year, and it feels like I can see where I’m supposed to be but my legs are still trapped by the fear of inadequacy and insecurity. We’re supposed to fly off into the world in three months, but somehow my wings haven’t even finished growing yet.

So this week, as I think about what I accomplished and what I screwed up, I’m not looking back at the last 12 months. I’m looking back at the last four years. And boy is there a lot I wish I had done differently. I wonder what freshman year Aditya would think if I sent him this note.

“Dear Aditya,

First off, congrats on your first week at Duke! You’ll be happy to know that just like you, all of your new friends also got rejected from Stanford early. Here’s a breakdown of everything you’ll experience in the next four years.

Guess what? You don’t get made fun of for your name anymore! But… it is because everyone calls you Diddy.

You got into an a capella group right away! But you never really held any leadership positions or important solos.

You studied abroad! But you also went to London, didn’t get really good at any particular language and hung out with American kids.

Anyway, you’re graduating in a few months and you did some cool stuff! But you also left so much on the table.

Good luck, kiddo. You’re going to need it.”

Would he focus on the good or the bad? On the accomplishments or the screw-ups? Would he, like myself and so many others, fret about where he didn’t go? Whom he didn’t meet? What he didn’t do? What he couldn’t say?

Or would he pull an Amy Adams in "Arrival," who (SPOILER) has a child knowing she will die of a rare disease and gets married despite knowing it will end in divorce? Take the bad in stride, knowing that the opportunities and the connections could be fulfilling even if there was more left to do? I’d hope so.

That’s the thing. There’s always more to do, isn’t there? More articles to write, more classes to take, more friends to make. More people to date, more professors to hate. More games to go to and more championships to win.

I would love to end this note on a happy, inspiring “We should all cherish what we did do!” call to action. But that would be disingenuous. That’s not the natural thing to do, and it’s certainly not easy. I finally understand the appeal of taking a victory lap.

At the same time, maybe the “Duke Experience” probably wouldn’t be the “Duke Experience” without the finite timeframe. Maybe I only got to have some of the great moments because of sacrifices in other areas. Maybe if all the failure and heartbreak and missed connections still don’t conspire to change the fact that my Duke experience was a net positive, it was worth it. Maybe it’s fine. And maybe whatever I did was enough.

Or maybe not.

Aditya is a Trinity senior and Recess video editor.