​Real talk on small talk

I'd wager ten-and-a-half food points that you've picked up this fine publication after having been forced against your will—for the third time today—to reveal your most interesting personal fact to a PNF—or potential new friend. (How crazy that you also have 2 siblings!) Or maybe you're attempting to catch up on your daily dose of Duke University news while relieving your bladder and your mental stability in the one place you can escape the “OMG so good to see you” from the dudes and gals whose names have now become as fuzzy as your freshmen year rug/emergency bed. Alas, it's even more probable that you're just browsing this semi-relevant column to avoid yet another round of one-liners about your great summer, great internship and great feelings about the year ahead.

Whatever the case, read on, you unamused undergrad, for while you were sleeping off your O-Week shenanigans, I've been busily curating a “how-to” guide for fighting the day-one doldrums. By now, you've been inundated with more than enough advice for starting the school year off right, all of which is fantastic in theory, but much like DukeHub, not all that useful and even though refurbished, still pretty frustrating. Accordingly, I'll keep this short and sweet.

Despite my cynicism, I truly am eager to reconnect with old friends. I mean what's not to love about discussions of summer romance, life-altering trips and job offers? Well, if you're anything like me, and your summer didn’t possess any of the above, these bus ride conversations are about to be more painful than the ones you'll have during Spring Rush. So please, for the love of Larry Moneta, do yourself and everyone else a favor this week and conjure up some conversation topics that don't make us all want to jump off the new yet so-super-close-to-finished West Union. Feeling a little socially inept after your three-month desk job? Here are a few ideas to get those gears grinding:

Make a pop culture reference. Admittedly, it's a pretty safe bet, but exceedingly more interesting than your semester schedule. Try this: how have you been commemorating the life of our fallen hero Harambe? I personally think the movement for the exposure of male genitalia in his honor is pretty revealing of our deep care for the subject.

Revamp an old favorite. Talk about Duke dining and more about Duke dining and share posts about Duke dining and marry Duke dining for God’s sake. Seriously, if you must talk about it, add a little spice with this saucy question: do you think it still counts if I complete a “special” graduation requirement in one of those private West Union side-rooms?

Observe your surroundings. Look up sometimes. If you take a quick break from editing and captioning last week's darty photo, you might just realize that there are a million fascinating things all around you. You may find yourself wondering aloud about Duke's greatest unsolved mysteries: what does #artstigators even mean? Are they investigating art or instigating it and does it look good on a resume?

Play a game. Nothing passes the irritatingly long walk to Gross Hall like a good game of “Would You Rather?”. Entertain your giddy pals with one of these: would you rather have an 8:30 a.m. every single day or live on Oregon St.? Would you rather have a freshmen meal plan or live in K-Ville for the entirety of your Duke career? K-Ville or A-Ville? That’s a doozy.

Ask the hard-hitting questions. They say vulnerability breeds true and durable bonds, so quit the small talk and cut to chase by sneaking this gem into conversation: how many dances does one actually need? Is one really enough, or are a couple, maybe even a handful, sometimes necessary, in order to get the people going? Is there effective drainage at Shooters, or do they simply reuse our condensated sweat as dollar beer refills a la Sweeney Todd’s human-meat pies?