Dear Dr. Monday,
I’m locked in the Allen building here, and we’ve been holed up here for most of the weekend—I’m not sure how many students know what’s going on though, since Duke cut the WiFi and power and refuses to send us any food that isn’t from the new Devil’s Krafthouse. Is there any way you could get the word out about the injustices we’re fighting?
Thanks,
Preoccupied
Dear Preoccupied,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you guys didn’t miss Carolina Cup for this whole protest thing, did you? The administration wouldn’t let you guys leave even for a few hours, to see the, uhhh, it’s a horse race, right? Well, we clearly have a real problem on this campus when a group of administrators think they can silence their students by strong-arming them like this—I’ll do whatever I can to help the cause. Seriously, though, do you want me to sneak you a handle of Burnett’s through the window or something? Just because you’re protesting systemic issues of racism doesn’t mean you should have to do it sober.
What makes me qualified to give my advice? Well, let’s just say my beginnings are humbler than you might think. When I was 17, I actually volunteered at my local McDonald’s to see what life was like for people who weren’t middle class like me. Sure, it was one of my dad’s 16 McDonald’s franchises, and sure, he made me work there for two weeks as punishment for going 84 in a 55 in the new BMW 3 Series I had gotten for graduation. But you know what? By the end of those few short weeks, I had taught the whole restaurant that my family had come over with nothing in their pockets, just like them—even Joe, the guy who made the French fries, affectionately started calling me “Uncle Tom,” after his favorite relative. Sure, we fired the whole staff the next week after they threatened to unionize—you just can’t reach everyone—but the experience struck me and makes me want to help you out now.
If I’m reading you guys right, you’ve got a bit of an image problem—maybe people are a little tired after the other 46 protests this semester, or maybe they just don’t understand exactly how these instances of racism directly affect their lives on campus, regardless of their race. That’s why I’ve compiled a five-part plan to make sure your protest generates maximum Student Outage™.
1)Baby, you can drive my bus
Ever thought about why that C1 passed you by while it was raining outside? Why the buses always seem to pull away right as you run up to the doors, or why our bus drivers brake so hard you fly into the windshield like Tallman Trask himself is at the wheel? Well, you get what you pay for. If Duke won’t raise the minimum wage, I say we students start tipping bus drivers for good service—you already tip your wait staff, and they don’t decide how many potholes to aim for when barreling down campus drive at near light speed.
2)Location, location, location
I get it, the Allen building is where most of Duke’s administrators are located, and taking it over is symbolic. For most of Duke’s administrators though, the day basically becomes a free vacation day—the same paid vacation a PTS employee could never get, I might add. Thing is, Duke students just don’t care about the Allen building anymore. It’s sort of like taking over Teer in that it barely disrupts the average student’s day. You want action? Try occupying the new BC Plaza bridge, or the WaDuke golf course—that’s what students and admins care about.
3)Please taze me, bro
With all that said, you guys gotta drop the bid for amnesty from Duke—if they give you amnesty, then the whole occupation thing seems a little unnecessary, and if they don’t, you guys come off as soft for asking. Plus, think of national publicity when a video of one of you guys stroking out from a Taser shot hits the front page of YouTube—if there’s anything America loves, it’s a Duke fan getting hurt, and I say give them what they want. Just make sure it doesn’t happen to me—that looks like it hurts.
I have to give you guys credit for taking one for the team, as I’m making wayyyyy too much money next year to risk it all on trying to correct some institutional wrongs or whatever. Like I said, though, I’ll toss you some Marketplace breakfast through the window on my way to class—as long as the buses are on time.
Dr. Monday would like the administration to clarify if students who fall asleep in class, Perkins or the BC are at risk of being removed as protestors.
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