Dear Dr. Monday,
I’ve made some mistakes in life, but none of them seem worse than the last week I spent on break. I thought it was the perfect break—I did so many drugs, hit the beach every day and went out every night. Now that I’m back at Duke, though, I’m realizing I totally forgot about doing any sort of work and am feeling crushed by all these deadlines. Got any advice?
Best,
Falling Behind
Dear Behind,
First of all, I’m honored that I could be the one to welcome you back from spring break — there’s nothing that screams “Monday” quite like coming back from Cabo/Punta/PCB/“Generic-town-vandalized-by-college-kids-but-we’re-okay-with-it-because-they-bring-their-parents-money” and realizing how those real world responsibilities tend to linger, no matter how much you drink.
In times like these, you need someone to lean on—someone to remind you that Duke is hard for everyone, not just you. Sure, it’s harder for me because I’m an engineer and take real classes, but that doesn’t mean the “examination of the issues facing women in today’s society” (yawn) and group sing-a-longs you call “theater” aren’t just as valuable to our community.
Nothing better bore out the difficulties I face as a Duke student than my recent spring break trip, where I conducted significant research into the effects of extreme drug and alcohol abuse on one’s ability to finish writing Chronicle articles before the deadline. As I swiped my Dad’s AMEX everywhere from downtown New Orleans to a back alley in Austin, Texas, for some weed (he took Square!), I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of the other more attractive kids around me. Whether it was the group of Texas Tech football players whose biceps were so large it felt like Trump was calling me “Little Monday”, or the Auburn girl who told me she had a boyfriend before hooking up with three of the guys on my trip, spring break wasn’t quite the confidence boost I had in mind.
By the end of the week, I realized the problem wasn’t me—it was them. Like the rest of the people I don’t like, they were dumb idiots who would never be able to make it in the real world without my help. So why couldn’t these people figure it out like I had? What made one of us able to solve differential equations on the back of their hand, while the other would have trouble remembering to bring me a side order of bacon?
After a few hours of laying on the beach, I realized that the answer is simple—work ethic. As much as people tell us, our little overachiever brains never seem to be able to process the fact that Duke is, like SO HARD. You will never be busier than you are in college, with 20 hours a week of class to attend and hours spent on homework, basketball games and waiting on the phone to order Dominos, where I’ve been on hold since I started writing this. But somehow, true students like us find a way to balance it all. We learn to balance ripping shots with ripping through PowerPoints, to slog through lectures from professors who barely speak English while our state school friends just toss a frisbee around. Honestly, have these frauds ever even had a mental breakdown in the Link after finding out every group study room contained only a single person? Have they ever even gone to the vending machine to see it was sold out of Smartfood? These formative experiences are why we’re considered true intellectuals and are part of why a degree from Duke carries thousands of times the weight of a state school degree, part being the weight of a larger stack of loan servicing letters.
Just because we’re better doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes. Look at me—instead of writing this article from the comfort of my local coffeehouse where the barista’s knuckle tattoos can provide a little inspiration for why I shouldn’t go to some state school down South, this was written on a plane sandwiched between two preteens who practiced their dab on me the entire flight. If you don’t like it, blame Southwest’s socialist boarding system.
So keep fighting the good fight out there, Dukies. Sure, that seven-pack of condoms might have been an ambitious purchase last week. Sure, there might be better-looking people out there having more fun than you right now. But I’m also sure that someday, those more attractive people will be serving waffles to your kids on spring break.
Dr. Monday would like to apologize to the City of Panama City Beach after his conviction for having a glass container on the beach, despite the fact that the beach is literally sand and glass is made from sand so by that logic why not just arrest everyone.
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