Dr. Monday,
I’m not sure if it’s the weather or what, but my heart has never been colder. Between midterms and Valentine’s Day, I’ve never felt more inadequate in my life. It’s been weeks since I’ve gotten to go out, and seeing all my friends getting mushy with their significant others is just the last straw. Can you help me find a girlfriend to get me through these tough times?
Best,
Looking for Love
Dear Looking,
Valentine’s Day has always brought mixed feelings for me, like a bit of a cross-fade between the uppers of lust and downers of self-hatred. That isn’t bitterness talking—Valentine’s just sucks because it doesn’t bring anything to the table that isn’t done better by another holiday, minus the 100-plus-pound anchor of the opposite sex. Want presents? Celebrate Christmas. Chocolate? Easter. Not Christian? Ya better convert before my boy Trump socks your sorry self back to Palestine where you belong.
So why do we even have a holiday for couples at all? Outside of the obvious fact that we need to crank out kids to keep up with China, Valentine’s serves as an emotional pit stop for all of us, a way to force us to face the hard questions about whether or not we’re happy with our current sex life. In a relationship? Take advantage of that weeklong grace period where you can’t be broken up with to ask your girlfriend for a threesome to take the edge off that "I could get with someone at least one tier higher” feeling. In that awkward space where you know what someone’s balls look like but can’t seem to make the transition to sober conversation? Valentine’s is your perfect escape hatch to keep things from “moving too fast” or a great excuse to drunkenly profess your love. Even you GDIs masturbating alone in your room all weekend received a little cupid photoshopped onto Pornhub’s logo to keep you company!
Now, Mr. Looking for Love, most people who want a relationship don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. Sure, we’re all “mature adults” who are ready for a serious relationship, but let’s get a show of hands from the crowd of upperclassmen who are still with their high school girlfriends. Statistically speaking, what you really want is someone who hates the same people you do and can give you sex when it gets too cold to stand in the Shoots line—since I hate everyone, our relationship covers first base. As far as getting to second goes, I’m here to right the wrongs Duke’s hookup culture forces on all of us. It’s worth noting that all of this advice is only for my fellow men out there—ladies, I think society has already established that if you can’t get laid, the best advice I can give you is to take a few more Pilates classes.
1) Get drunk more often
This should be self explanatory, but I’m assuming we’re starting from the basics—you have to be in it to win it. You guys who are going out only one or two times a week might as well be hitting the gym without your blender bottle. Duke women are nocturnal creatures, only emerging during the day to buy new panties after Grayson makes game winning shots. If you don’t sync your schedule up with theirs, don’t blame me for your failures.
2) Think outside the box
Just like a lot of male pornstars, sometimes you have to start out on the gay side of things to build up your resume before you get called up to the hetero-leagues. This really isn’t as bad as it sounds—sure, you might have to deal with the odd homophobic slur getting tossed your way, but think how the girls flock to your gay friends. Don’t have gay friends? After you join Grindr, you sure will—plus, what better way is there to prove to future bae that you’re willing to sacrifice for her?
3) Never take no for an answer
In this PC culture we live in, the responsibility is on you guys to balance consent and making an aggressive move. I know first hand how hard this can be. First the girl is all “grab my hips and dance with me” at Shooters, but barely an hour later I’m supposed to not have sex with her just because she’s unconscious? Please. As I’ve said time and time again, I look to my elected officials for a shining example of how to get your way in tough situations like this—and by that, I mean pretending to compromise while really just stalling to get what you want.
Dr. Monday would like to announce that after meeting with all candidates he will be endorsing Grayson Allen for Young Trustee, DSG President and President of Math Honor Society. Got more questions? Send them to askdoctormonday@gmail.com
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