Dear Dr. Monday,
It seems like every Chronicle article this week has involved a Duke student nearly dying in one way or another, and I’m scared. For now, I’m holed up in Edens until this whole thing blows over—my parents will be pissed if I don’t live long enough to cash in on the 250k they’re dropping. If you have any advice for how to stay safe out there, I’d love to hear it.
Thanks,
Hasn’t Been Outside in Six Days
Dear Typical Geed,
I’d be scared too. A week ago, a team of highly trained local minorities slipped through Duke’s crack security team, which consists of “guy who tells you that you can’t stay in the circle because a bus is coming” and “blue light pole that’s perfect for crimes within arm’s reach of it”, and stole some kid’s wallet at gunpoint.
Luckily, while getting mugged may be scary, there are simple steps to prevent it from happening to you. First, drop out of Pratt—only an enginerd would be out walking alone at 4 a.m., getting some weird sexual pleasure out of measuring the cosine of the Chapel or whatever. If you do find yourself staring down a Thursday night Shooters guest’s gun barrel, calmly explain to them that you understand their lack of access to quality education and the absence of a strong male role model in their life has really given them no choice but to commit this crime. Suggest they Venmo charge you with a gun emoji instead—if they accidentally hit “pay,” you could even wind up ahead! Of course, if they get close to pulling that trigger, remember it’s only due to your white privilege that you’re not the one robbing them and hand it over.
Barely a few days later, some sorority tried their hand at “hazing” and got a girl more wasted than an Asian’s IFC rush fee. Sorostitutes, let’s leave getting drunk with new members to the professionals: men. Hazing the right way is just in our DNA—we design events to suck and include binge drinking, but also to keep kids safe. “Yes, Johnny, you do have to eat this half-pound of cat food, but on the bright side, throwing up should bring your BAC back under .16! Timmy, get your thumb back in his butt—we’re trying to build a brotherhood here!” To my friends in Panhel, let’s focus on finding the right mix of homoerotic acts, gross food, and alcohol to make it to 1,200 calories a day before we start getting our new friends in on the fun.
Unlike a student getting mugged because of a complete failure of campus security, a sorority girl getting drunk spelled CRISIS like only “fits media stereotypes of Duke” can. Almost as soon as the ambulance arrived on the scene, Larry Moneta had “generic-reassurances.doc” open on his desktop. Panhel was suspended, “culture change” was called for and an entire campus wondered if their whole weekend would be ruined.
Many students look at L-Mo’s wizened, toothy smile and assume that he’s the sort of cool grandpa who gives you a Hustler when you’re 12 and let’s you drink a six pack even if you’re under-aged (only on LDOC now, son!). In many ways that’s true, but just like Gramps, Larry isn’t above feigning dementia when your parents want to know who gave you the beer.
Sure, Duke could relax restrictions on parties on campus, making it easier to monitor the inevitable alcohol consumption. But, when CNN comes knocking, you lose a potent sound bite explaining how you have zero tolerance for alcohol. It’s a page taken right from America’s wildly successful War on Drugs: worry about punishment first and resolution of underlying causes later.
As always, the Doctor has the solution to make you feel safe on campus again. To make sure the administration listens, I’ve made an easy to read list of three demands for them:
1. Hire Donald Trump to build a wall, and make the Durhamites pay for it
I have a soft spot for the Donald because he isn’t afraid to speak the very few words that are on his mind. If we fully segregate Durham from Duke, we can make sure the only issues DUPD has to deal with on campus are the hilarious hate crimes.
2. Force administrators to start attending some of our ragers
Our administrators went to college too—if we remind them what a good time they can have, they’ll realize the only culture change Duke needs is for their administrators to take a nice bong rip and chillllllllll.
3. Give Dr. Monday a certain soon-to-be-vacated basement office
You may think this demand is the odd man out—how does giving me more room to work benefit all of you? I’ll answer that question with a question. Who deserves to be able to stretch their legs out and host community-building events: the guy saving your life or a bunch of latino/a/os/as/x/y/z? After all I’ve done for Duke, I deserve a nice, cinderblock-encased office that lets me look out, watch Duke’s postal operations and think up new ways to make Duke great.
To the administration: you have 36 hours from now to answer these demands or else I’ll sit outside the admissions office and throw assorted vegetables at prospective freshmen. If you think that won’t kill your yield, try me.
Dr. Monday would like to personally apologize if he offended any vegetarians with the comment about throwing vegetables. He didn’t mean to take it that far. Send your questions to askdoctormonday@gmail.com.
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