Dear Editor Dr. Monday,
I just came back to campus for the first time in like 30 years, and boy, have you guys ruined the place. Somebody decided that the room dedicated to a plaque with my father’s named on it was better suited as a “Center for Sexual and Gender Diversity!” Meanwhile, people are supporting this lifestyle that causes you to live eight to twenty years less on average! If you have any humanity at all, you have to realize supporting this lifestyle is true evil. Can you help me spread my message of love?
Best,
Paul Mees
This letter has been paraphrased from Paul Mees’ original letter to the editor.
Dear Meester Paul,
I noticed you sent this letter to the editor—a common mistake since the “Editor” and “Monday” keys are right next to each other on the keyboard. Since they just published your letter without offering any advice, I snagged it and figured I’d try to help you and the gays work things out. I know first-hand how bigoted and closed-minded Duke students can be when exposed to viewpoints that aren’t their own, so stay strong with me on this one.
Let’s talk a little about the jealousy that’s deep in your heart. I’ve looked up the stats, bro. The early 1980’s were not the best time to be in college. That was right around the time that liberals invented the idea of sexual assault, along with the mythical female orgasm—talk about moving the goalposts mid-game! That’s why today’s students know the real goal of your four years at Duke is to bang the hottest girls possible so you avoid having a midlife crisis where you send letters to a college newspaper.
So, I broke out the old VCR to do some “research” for this article and boy do I have questions. Let’s talk landscaping—the hair on these girls is less well trimmed than my house’s hedges on Seis de Mayo. These are your porn stars, Paul, the Albert Einsteins of sexual achievement for your generation! Had you failed so miserably at making women feel uncomfortable in their bodies that this was considered acceptable? Did you even break out the calipers to check a girl’s body fat before hooking up with her at Shooters? I need answers, Paul.
I don’t mean to be rude—I’m truly sorry Duke threw your dad’s plaque out. I came home this past summer to find my parents had Airbnb’d out my room to a Syrian refugee named Maahir for 45 dollars a night. Did I use this to justify my preexisting hatred for the Muslim people? Of course. But don’t think I stopped there—as a spiritual man, I wrote Maahir a quick note telling him that I felt sorry for the fact that he was living in sin and would burn in hell for all of eternity. I signed the note “Love,” and I don’t think even God noticed that I dotted all my i’s with little bombs because that was my room first.
As far as you being sad for the gays, I think we’re going to have to disagree. Find me another group that gets mostly naked, shuts down New York City and dances on slow moving cars just because they’re happy to be alive. Plus, have you seen the girls these guys get to go on dates with? Clearly, the gays know how to get women—they just choose not to. I know, it creeps me out too.
So let’s broker a little truce here: you want all the gays to be straight, and the gays want you to just let them be gay. I’m proposing we turn this relationship from parasitic to symbiotic—the gays teach you a few of their tricks, like how to put together an outfit and get smoking hot girls. In return, before you write any more letters that look like you sent a bible passage about lying with men through Larry Moneta’s snow-day-news-translation-machine, you just send them to me and I’ll shred them for you.
I know I ignored that whole transgender thing you wrote about—to be honest, they still make me feel a little awkward. I also skipped over the whole lesbo-thing, but you seem pretty okay with them. Hopefully, though, we’ve settled this whole problem. And, if not, you can always add your comments to the Center for Speech Diversity’s wall in East House.
Dr. Monday is collecting donations for the first annual Paul Mees scholarship, which will be awarded to the student who is best able to misinterpret research into a thesis that upsets the greatest proportion of the Duke student body. The application will be the same as for next semester’s Monday Monday. Have a question? Send it to askdoctormonday@gmail.com
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