Welcome back, Duke-bags! I know, you barely have time to read newspapers anymore between hours of staring in the mirror practicing how exactly to intonate “it’s basically the ivy of the south” and weekends spent volunteering in East Guatemala. But leave those third-world kids to their starving for just one second—I think I can help make your lives a little bit easier.
For the white-jority of people on campus, things are worse than ever. Duke used to have a tradition: some white guys throw a “racist” and/or “sexist” event, say, “Christopher Columbus and Sluts” (before you frat-stars try to book Devine’s, that’s copyrighted). All of a sudden, the never before seen Native American Student Association and its six smallpox immune members were giving interviews to CNN next to a picture of the chapel with a giant headdress photoshopped on top of it. They seized the moral high ground for a few days, made their demands and then we ignored them and moved on once the news cycle ended.
The system worked—not only did los minoridades get to blow off a little of that white-hating steam that built up every time ABP spelled their name wrong, but it also made for some sweet parties. Everyone knows that offended girls are the easiest to get with, so feel free to email me, ladies. Better yet, Duke used the free advertising to shoot up the college rankings; it’s the same proven system currently convincing forty percent of fifty percent of the country that the Xzibit of the business world actually knows how to “Make America Great Again”.
We can hardly buy some real national outrage these days. Sure, we got to use the new Page Auditorium for some #blacklivesmatter stuff and kept a few of the Muslims from yelling “TIME TO PRAY, INFIDELS” from the top of the chapel. Maybe these would be real scandals down the road in Chapel Hill, but we’re better than that. Where are the PowerPoints of guys you’ve banged, ladies? The Asia Primes? Bless my heart, maybe even a stripper at the Duke Lacrosse house? (let’s cross our fingers, Group of 88!)
These big scandals united us all. They made sure that when you went home and said you went to Duke the first question you got asked wasn’t “Oh, do you play any sports there?” but rather “Hey, you guys have a PORN STAR? DOES SHE LIKE, BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU?” Sure, it was awkward when your dad asked, but the truth was that it made Duke feel a little more like home when you told him that his question inherently shamed women for their sexuality and that that has no place in a progressive 21st century society.
But without a national story to guide our moral superiority complex, we’ve turned on each other instead, profiling more aggressively than the Chicago police department. Look around—see someone who prefers Chipotle to Qdoba? They’re a racist, ethno-intolerant pig. Think Brodhead should be able to ask a question? Go join your Grand Wizard at his rallies, scum. Ever downloaded Yik Yak? You probably wish you could download slaves, too.
So how do we bring Duke back to its glory days? How do we fix a campus where everyone is a rapist or a racist or a closet homophobe?
Enter ya boy, Doctor Monday. While all of you were sitting at home all break worrying about whether Goldman will let you leave your GPA off your resume, I’ve been in the lab cooking up the best recipe for some serious Duke unity: we force everyone to rush.
Imagine the scene—the chapel filled with boys in pink pastel shorts and Vineyard Vines as a wide-eyed freshman towards the front of the room dons the sorting hat. The hat speaks: “You’re frail as can be and bang no key threes, but you drive a sweet Jeep and shotgun six nights a week… better be THETA CHI!” (We’ll obviously need to add a few fraternities to handle the geed influx). Sorority rush will be almost identical, with an added marathon of standing and seeing who can talk the longest—if you manage to not pass out, we found someone who hasn’t been following their juice cleanse!
The bonus side effect? We can finally get some of that sweet racial integration the liberals have craved for so long by having the new black fraternities mix with the new Asian sororities! To paraphrase MLK, “I have a dream, that one day we can sit around the table of brotherhood, and get wasted together and laugh this whole race thing off.” Sure sounds like #fratlife to me.
There you have it: in eight hundred short words, I’ve tackled the biggest problem facing Duke today. But we’ve still got 14 more weeks to go! So whip out your computer in the middle of class, address those questions to the Doctor and I’ll see what I can do. Together, we might just be able to make Duke a better place for everyone —well, everyone who matters.
The Doctor would like to thank Qdoba, Vineyard Vines and Christopher Columbus for their sponsorship of this article. Got questions for the Doctor? Shoot an email to askdoctormonday@gmail.com
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