And now, a digest of The Chronicle’s biggest stories for the month of October 2020.
CONSTRUCTION VILLAGE CELEBRATES FIRST CHILD BORN TO TOWN:
The population of Duke’s Construction Village grew by one this month with the long-anticipated birth of baby Aedifica Dare. The newborn child is the first resident of the town to have been both conceived and born within it. Said Construction Village Mayor José Marquez, “This is a wonderful time for our town and signals to the world our viability and stability as a community. I have no doubt that little Aedifica marks the start of a long and illustrious life for Construction Village.” Though Construction Village began as a simple collection of sleeper cabins for workers unable to get home each night, building delays and new renovations led to an increase in population and the erection of more permanent homesteads. Now home to more than 150 people, Construction Village stretches from Crowell dormitory to the Sanford building and has become a self-sufficient community, with most of its residents employed in services or in constructing new homes for the Village itself.
NEW AWKWARDNESS-AVOIDANCE MODULE PROVING POPULAR AMONG STUDENTS:
At least 2,000 Duke students are reported to have enabled the new AppleVue “Discretionary Interaction Mode” since its release in August. The feature is an add-on that allows users of the Apple headwear device to filter undesirable persons out of their vision. Said junior Francesca Zhang, “It’s great! Before, if I saw a distant acquaintance walking toward me, I had to look around the quad for a bit until we were close enough to awkwardly say hi to one another. Now I don’t even see them, so I don’t have to think about it!” Each device is able to pair with others: if you’ve been wiped from another user’s vision, then upon passing them you’ll see either a simulation of that person waving at you or not see them at all depending on how close you are with them. Said Duke’s on-campus Apple representative, “In this way, we have replaced messy human relations with a convincing, much more appealing facsimile, thereby making everyone much happier. Granted, if you don’t have AppleVue it’ll seem people you thought were friends are constantly ignoring you on campus. But hey, that just means you have to go out and grab an AppleVue yourself—now available in Atomizing Blue!”
CAPS TO THROW FAKE PARTIES TO ENCOURAGE GREATER STUDENT ENGAGEMENT:
In its ongoing bid to reach the large segment of the Duke population too uncomfortable or proud to admit it needs help, CAPS last month launched its “Party With Kappa Alpha Pi Sigma” campaign. The campaign sees Duke’s psychological and counselling services move into an off-campus house every Friday and Saturday night to throw a party in which all the beverages are secretly non-alcoholic and the party hosts are actually trained therapists disguised as students. The counsellors use the party guests’ imagined inebriation and consequent openness to work through issues students would otherwise be unwilling to seek help for. Said wellness coordinator Stephanie Heathers, “Our hope is that, by setting up an informal environment not associated with the stigma of mental health, we’ll be able to engage students who might otherwise have actively avoided seeking help.” Unfortunately for Heathers and her staff, student reception to the initiative has been chilly. Said sophomore Clark Bennett, “Dude, those guys at Kappa Alpha Pi Sigma are really lame. I went to their party last week. Some dude tried to talk to me about my lack of enthusiasm for getting out of bed in the morning, and I’m like, hahaha dude, are you gay or something? Hahaha. Haha, ha. Ha.” Bennett then turned to stare quietly into the middle distance.
ADMINISTRATION: ALL ON-CAMPUS PARTIES TO HAVE AN RC IN EVERY ROOM AT ALL TIMES:
As part of its longstanding push to eliminate dangerous drinking practices on campus, the administration last month announced that a Resident Coordinator must be present in any room on West where drinking is planned to occur. Seeing that no write-ups were reported at any section party for the entire month of October, the administration has declared its policy a resounding success. In unrelated news, 63 people were EMS’d from off campus parties in October, marking an all-time monthly record.
NEW APP TO SPEED UP DATING PROCESS:
Two Duke students are to up sticks to New York following the successful launch of their new app. The app, called “Razor,” has already found widespread popularity on campus for the apparent simplicity it brings to the sometimes-Byzantine millennial courtship process. Said co-founder Rihanna Bailey, “Razor monitors all of your in- and out-bound online communication to determine if you’re romantically or physically involved with someone. And if you start to reply less frequently or less enthusiastically, Razor will see that you’re not into it anymore and automatically block them on every possible platform.” Explained other founder Sonya Nambiar, “The app won’t ask you if you want to block your former partner. It’ll just note your lack of interest and do it for you. There’s no moment of confrontation, no moment where you choose to cut them off, and so no guilt. You’ll never hear from them again, and you just get to go on with your life.” Duke students have been enthusiastic about the new technology. “There’s no more trial and error to dating! With Razor I can spend less time messing about with duds and only get involved with people who I absolutely know are really right for me! Because, like, if it’s a good match, you know you’re never gonna be in doubt about it. …Right?”
Much as this is theoretically satire, Monday Monday would like to pre-emptively copyright the ideas for Discretionary Interaction Mode and Razor
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