The international community received a shock this Monday as God publicly named His favorite country for the first time.
“Oh, it’s America. Of course! How could it be anything else?” revealed God in an exclusive interview for The Chronicle. “America’s great. Really reminds Me of Me. They always show such a strong commitment to behaving like an almighty, vengeful power imposing its will on the poor and the less powerful. And in desert lands too, usually! That’s a nice little stylistic touch. Definitely echoes some of my best early work.”
“There’s other stuff too, obviously. For example America’s really great at faithfully keeping to some of the more important Biblical tenets—homophobia, female disempowerment, the segregation of peoples, you know. It’s great to see how important that stuff is to them. I’m not going to say America’s the most racist/homophobic/sexist nation around, but it is really encouraging to see how much time a lot of them put into passionately opposing any small racial, gender or socioeconomic progress. They really understand that, even though I’m ostensibly all about love and all, my real interest is in maintaining the patriarchy, racial hierarchy and heteronormativity. Melts my little non-corporeal heart.”
“And then you’ve got American exceptionalism—amazing. They truly believe themselves to be better than other countries. It’s that kind of vanity and narcissism that clearly represents what I consider good Christian morals. And what’s more, they’re right! They realize that what I’m looking for in a people isn’t the equity, fairness or freedom that comes regardless of the circumstances of your birth. What I’m looking for is the country that has the greatest ability to kill people. America knows it’s the greatest nation on Earth because it’s the most powerful nation and therefore the nation most able to subjugate others to its will. But you know, in a peaceful and loving way.”
“I just feel like America is My number one fan. They always try to impress Me in ways I never even called for. Like, did you know Americans cut the ends off their kids’ penises? I didn’t even ask y’all to do that! That was really, very much just between Me and the Jews. You definitely didn’t have to do that. But I appreciate the thought, I guess.”
The controversial announcement has been met with counter-proclamations from competing deities. The New Testament God, who enjoys a less reverential following in the U.S., declared its choice for the greatest country on Earth to be Costa Rica. “Costa Rica, yeah. No armed forces, lots of natural beauty, cheap real estate. Can’t go wrong, really,” read its official press statement. The choice had 2-1 support within The New Testament God, with God the Son casting a dissenting political vote in favor of Palestine. “END THE ISRAELI OCCUPATION,” He is reported to have shouted while being dragged from the voting chamber by security.
International reactions to God crowning America His favorite country have varied. China, which ostensibly promotes a program of national atheism, is said to be feeling “quietly disappointed.” In Russia, an unusually quiet Vladimir Putin announced that he “needs some time alone to process” before mounting his pet war-bear Konichka and riding off in the direction of Syria. Pope Francis, acting in his capacity as head of state of The Vatican, is reported to have said, “Well, I guess I don’t have to worry about what He thinks anymore,” before immediately opening an abortion clinic in the Sistine Chapel and declaring all people in the tiny state thenceforth married to whatever person of the same sex was nearest.
Owing to its lack of well-known satirizable characteristics, Costa Rica could not be reached for comment.
Writing on Tumblr after His Chronicle interview went viral, God clarified that His support for America was not unconditional. “There are some new trends emerging that I’m not such a fan of. Like this whole trans rights thing. Look, you humans are supposed to remain exactly as I created you. That’s why you all spend your entire lives hairless, twenty inches tall and eight pounds heavy. And then there’s the pronouns thing! Xe, ze, xyr… You don’t get your own special pronouns. That’s my thing,” He wrote.
“What else bothers me? Oh, Netflix and chill. The joke is dead, people. Just stop.”
“But my main point remains. When almost the entire discourse of a presidential election is dominated by the questions of whether you should provide women adequate healthcare, whether you should treat immigrants with basic human dignity or whether your rich are getting to keep enough of their riches, that’s when you know your country’s headed in a good, Christian direction. God bless America.”
#NotAllAmericans?
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