Opinions for the unopinionated

There comes a time in every career where you realize you have ended up in the occupation that fits you the least. The banker traces his crippling anxiety to handling any form of currency. The entrepreneur realizes that his childhood lemonade stand was his first and only success. The politician finds that he has no genuine interest in public service. And I, the columnist, have no opinions.

I read through my colleague’s columns and am mystified by their ability to take stances. What bravery! I try to muster the same intrinsic passion that must facilitate such well-versed positions on the political climate or policy specifics. Then I see their facts and statistics and decide satire is just the fickle instrument I need to avoid such arduous research. My column-writing career is best characterized as using the most space to say the least, and I take some pride in that I’ve managed to get away with it. But I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines while my companions take swings at the big issues of the day. It’s time my unsupported opinions get some press.

The conspiracy-worthy disappearance of both the “Daily Show” and the “Colbert Report” has left me in the dark, politically. The last I saw, Donald Trump was making some insensitive remarks — and then nothing. As far as I know, that kind of immature behavior has continued. You can see how out of the loop I am.

The great thing about Chronicle political discussion is the writers are above any kind of low-level endorsement. If we’re talking campaigns at Duke, we’re talking strategy, political environment, policy history — the kind of stuff voters never consider. Trump is doing well in the polls because of his self-delusional authenticity. Stop paying attention to what he’s saying and start contemplating how deeply he means it. His entire campaign is hubris from his business success translating to him truly, absolutely, unconditionally believing he can “fix” the country. If you listen to his unfiltered insistence that he will make America great again, and then neglect to consider the social tact and nuance running a country requires, you might be tempted to say, “he sounds pretty sure.”

There, you have my only real opinion on the primaries to date. The majority of Americans are downright insulted that Trump leads polls by +10 points but won’t thoughtfully consider why that might be. The belief that his popularity stems solely from his Washington outsider status or American stupidity ignores his refreshing, albeit dangerous, conviction. That is, if you can overlook a few “unpolished” social views.

The other side of the aisle has less entertainment value. Bernie Sanders sounds pretty sure, too, in the thoughtful, not criminalizing entire ethnicities kind of way. Bernie’s voting records have the kind of consistency that make you want to wake up early and get a head start on your Sunday morning. Hillary Clinton will cater a bit more to the median voter, if you will, having changed her position on same-sex marriage and immigration. Yes, I cited a source. Don’t get used to it. However, Hillary has serious political chops and the kind of pragmatism that would prevent childhood notions of idealism from getting in the way. I’ll save you the suspense. It’s going to come down to choosing between someone who deeply believes in his platform and a Clinton who can get things done in Washington. If you came to my column for an official endorsement, you’ll have to wait. Like any reasonable voter, I’ll make my decision after I watch the first Democratic debate.

If my political analysis eerily reminds you of that time you bought a Mcdouble or when you binged watched Spongebob or when you saw the Republican primary debate, you’re not going crazy. There was no substance. I have a hunch that any claim I make beyond the observational will be refuted by someone who knows what they’re talking about. I couldn’t let these realistic fears prevent me from participating in the conversation, though. Maybe you can appreciate my effort to paint the political landscape as seen by the average voter. Or, you clever souls will once again see through the farce and decide it’s time for this unopinionated columnist to throw in the towel.

Kyle Harvey is a Trinity junior. His column runs on alternate Thursdays.