An open cover letter to all employers
Hello! I’m writing to you today with great enthusiasm that can only stem from unspoken but clear desperation. I am a graduating senior, and I’d like for you to offer me a job for next year.
You may ask why I feel I am suited to work at your company/co-exist in your communist collective/sell my organs to your black market. It is because I’ve spent the last four years and $250,000 of my life engaging in an educational experience meant to provide me with skills that will help me make money. At the end of my college career, I am more than ready to start applying these moneymaking skills, and I would love to have the opportunity to begin self-fundraising with your organization.
My time in college has prepared me for working with your organization in numerous ways. For example, the fact that I’m in college means I’m young, which is intrinsically appealing to almost any organization. Firstly, my young age and mere Bachelor’s degree means you can pay me next to nothing and I must accept this wage as a fact of the current job market. In fact, if you call my position an internship, you can even legally pay me nothing. As I pride myself in always seeing the glass as half full, I would of course accept an unpaid position with eagerness and excitement, knowing that I am being paid in the valuable work experience of secretarial duties and serving coffee to people who get paid to browse the internet.
Secondly, my position on the bridge between adolescence and adulthood means that I’m full of youthful energy and new ideas to help rejuvenate your company. I’ve always been an ideas person. For example, I once had an idea that I would win a Nobel Prize, or write a book, or maybe be successful in some measurable way. If I were to name my greatest weakness, it is follow-through. My biggest strength is probably in my thighs.
Furthermore, I have extensive experience with managing an online presence. Social media and networking are pivotal in the modern market. Luckily for your business, I am well prepared for a job in this digital age, as I have spent the last four years of my classes on Facebook. I have worked literal hours each week making sure my online brand is top-notch, portraying myself as fun and quirky but also down-to-earth. I would be ecstatic to be able to give your company this same chill vibe. I am also proficient in English, changing the margins and period sizes in Microsoft Word to make any document almost a full page longer, and I know what Microsoft Excel is.
I’ve spent my college career in an elite institution, filled with the most diverse group of students the New York Metropolitan Area has to offer (minus kids from the sketchy parts). During my college experience, I have demonstrated my ability to stick with the things I am passionate about, such as dodging responsibilities and napping. I have also become an expert at ignoring texts, avoiding eye contact with people I’ve made out with once, and promising lunch dates without ever following through. Such keen social skills should suit me well in the workplace.
However, if my experience learning and violating the honor code alongside the socially and fiscally elite has taught me anything, it’s that I am entitled to nice things. This educational experience, paired with an upbringing where college was presented as the only necessary step towards success, has taught me that solely possessing a diploma should ensure employment in a lifelong, impactful and fulfilling career that provides enough money for my needs and perhaps a pony. Therefore, it would be reckless and downright unethical of your company to reject me. If nothing else, remember that I went to a top ten school and probably have rich and powerful parents. All in all, I deserve this.
Yet, as I have been notified numerous times, there are a lot of worthy applicants on the market, and many companies just don’t have space for me right now. However, I believe your company should choose me, as I am a unique and qualified applicant, with many special talents, and I am guaranteed to be successful at whatever I try. For reference, see my mother.
I sincerely hope you consider my application, as this is final hope towards receiving any kind of offer of employment, and if you do not accept me, there is a chance I will starve. Or have to move back in with my parents, which may actually be worse.
A Thoroughly Unemployed Almost-Graduate
(And really, it doesn’t matter who I am. I can be anyone you want me to be. I will be f----ing Beyoncé if you’ll give me money for doing things).
Lillie Reed is a Trinity senior. Her column is part of the weekly Socialites feature and runs every other Wednesday. Send Lillie a message on Twitter @LillieReed.