Talk freshman to me

Blue Devil Nation,

March is coming to a close, and because Jabari “I don’t owe this school a championship” Parker lost us an NCAA title, we must look elsewhere for our dose of madness. Since we can only use the pain of pledges for our amusement for so long, we have to look to even younger, more impressionable youths for our entertainment. I am, of course, referring to the Class of 2018.

Flooding the interweb with Facebook statuses about their acceptance to Duke, the perspectives have congregated to the Class of 2018 page to connect with their possible classmates. It is important to note that I say “possible” because some students are on the fence as to whether or not Duke is the right choice for them. It is here where we can keep ourselves busy until our amazing LDOC line-up. It is our duty to prepare the incoming class for what lies ahead of them, and although the list of reasons to be excited about Duke is long, I’ve tried my best to synthesize the top issues that the young impressionables should know about:

First, our love of other cultures. As we learned from Asia Prime, our fraternities have a great appreciation of East Asian culture. Whether wearing traditional grab or mimicking the accent, one of our fraternities has allowed the Duke public a glimmer into the types of racially themed parties that many of our Greek groups love to indulge in. This isn’t to say that the only fun happens in greek life. Our women’s lacrosse team has had a past in over-indulging in Black History Month by finding their finest shoe polish and making themselves darker than Wesley Snipes in a black hole. And since we’re Duke students, you know that these parties all have creative names like Indian Bros and Nava-hoes, Eskimos and Ice-hoes or black people and sluts. We also know that we like to flex our ethnic muscles with the Black Student Alliance Invitational. Although I’m normally against BSAI because it gives all the black kids their own Blue Devil Days that is three times longer, I see it as a great time to show off the fact there is black culture on campus for a week before it recedes back to Central Campus.

Also, we prioritize sexual health at Duke. Whether in the form of instructional videos of Duke students having sex (thanks, Belle Knox) or a PowerPoint presentation charting Karen Owen’s sexcapades while at Duke, our school has been intertwined with the idea of sex instruction. And if you already feel like you have your physical bearings set, then you are already set to join the prevalent “hook-up culture” that our school is proud of. Unlike some schools where students are under pressure to form a stable long lasting relationship, Duke prioritizes a sort of Catcher in the Rye mentality of bodies just colliding for a brief moment before parting indefinitely. Except in this case, the field of rye is Shooters.

And if you’re a fan of colliding bodies, then you’ll love our sports scene. We’re really good at sports. We have an awesome football team. We call ourselves the Wade Wackos, and we all love supporting the team. For more questions regarding sports, feel free to contact Jabari Parker, the president of Duke Mormons. I hear he hangs out with the athletes sometimes.

Oh, and don’t forget to mention the mentality that comes from going to Duke. Sure, there are the consistent quotes that float around like, “They’re probably [the] number one [Douchiest College in America]…but we’d rather not rank Duke number one at anything” or “We’re the most hated school because we’re so perfect and aware of it.” But people rarely touch on the isolationism that Duke breeds. Perfectly made for introspection, Duke creates this sort of out-of-placeness that makes you feel like you’re surrounded by people with no one to talk to. Luckily, the underlying need to reach a sort of “effortless perfection” makes it so you don’t have to face your problems. You actually don’t acknowledge them because you know that no one else has these problems, so you learn the first rule of the real world: Nut up or shut up.

Remember, it is essential that we share our knowledge with the freshmen, because it is our duty to tell them what they are in for. Imagine all the precious surprises you made while at Duke. Wouldn’t it have been great to find out ahead of time what was on the horizon so that you could really plant your feet and be ready to enjoy four of the best years of your life? Am I Right, or am I right?