Last Friday was a day I spent loving to hate my life—pretty ironic for a Valentine’s Day.
I felt terrible about almost everything; inadequacy would be the word that describes the feeling best. As I went through my day, I grew increasingly aware of how little satisfaction I’ve gotten out of this semester. This feeling became increasingly more apparent as I continued to turn down party invites, dinner opportunities and my own commitments just to scrape by academically.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “What about those snow days, Bryan? How could you have let this happen?” Unfortunately for me, that was when everything fell apart. I was a total idiot—I barely slept, got even more behind in all my classes and played an unhealthy amount of Super Smash Bros. Not only did the entirety of North Carolina come to a screeching halt, but so did my work ethic.
The snow days were as much a blessing as they were a curse. I had a great time, don’t get me wrong, but I could have done so much more. I’ve been meaning to see so many of my close friends for such a long time, and I let the opportunity go to waste. It’s honestly such a horrible feeling.
I know I’ve said in previous columns that I don’t want to be complacent. But honestly, at that time I felt so utterly trapped. Nothing ever seemed to work out with my friends, and even with a five-day weekend, most of my efforts to make plans were met with failure. With the snow came an unstoppable avalanche of disappointment and heartache, and now I’m the one stuck trying to dig myself out. It’s almost as if I’ve been left behind, and it feels awful. But as much as I’d want to cry for help, it’s not worth my time, because I don’t seem to be worth theirs.
And that’s what bothers me most. When every sentence is qualified by a “should” and next week always seems to be the better time, no one ever seems to make time for anyone. Last semester I wrote a column and made a promise to all of my friends: I would do my best to open my door to them. For some reason, my intentions are no longer working out.
But I understand. We all have our own lives, and our friends aren’t going to live it for us. Yet with everyone going abroad, snagging internships and finding significant others, there isn’t a lot of time to look forward to. I’m not so much upset as I am fearful to lose them. I love my friends dearly, and it’s painful to know that some of them might not feel the same.
It’s safe to say that last Friday was one of the hardest days I’ve been through. It was the precise moment I realized I had set myself up for disaster. This time around, I was, unquestionably, the reason for my own disappointment. Those precious days I let go to waste meant I would have to sacrifice my entire week! And not only did I let my friends down, but I floundered through my exams with great hardship. I completely broke down and am just now getting out of the mayhem.
Regardless of the circumstances, I’m not going to give up. There was a reason I reacted this way—it’s my body’s way of telling me I could be doing better. And I know I can. I’m as much of a factor in this as anyone else is. My schedule is pretty ridiculous as well, and it’s pretty surprising, even to me, that I consider it to be manageable at all. To be fair, I’ve denied people more times than I have not, and I’m not free from blame in the least. But please, don’t lose faith in me, my friends—I’ll continue to do my best. Let’s make it happen, for real.
Bryan Somaiah is a Trinity sophomore. His column runs every other Friday. Send Bryan a message on Twitter @BSomaiahChron.
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