Blue Devil Nation,

Despite my two week hiatus due to MLK Day (Just saying, I have dreams all the time and that doesn’t stop the business week), I’m back to give you the good stuff. Now, I was originally going to write an amazing article praising the exclusivity of Rush and its ability to apply free market economic rules to the cheapest commodity on campus: freshmen. (I would have called it Rushin’ Roulette, you would have loved it.) But I have decided that my red blood boils for more. I want to discuss a far more important issue to Duke life: The 40 Percent Plan. Although a seemingly unimportant plan, it threatens to destroy some of the basic principles of life at Duke.

To allow the Richard Shermans to keep up, I’ll keep this basic like pH 12. Currently, students at Duke pay an activities fee of $116 every year. This non-negotiable fee goes straight to Duke Student Government for processing and is distributed to all the student groups on campus as DSG sees fit. The 40 Percent Plan suggests that we give the students 40 percent of their student activities fee to spend how they please. In other words, each student can distribute their money to important clubs on campus like Bear Arms Alliance, Orientals Against Obama and the White Student Alliance. Now you’re probably thinking, “Right, this limits the power of the student government. You should be a fan of smaller government.” Simmer, my slow-minded plebite. There is more to the Mona Lisa than a smile.

Duke has a time honored tradition of wasting money. I mean, look at the Penn Pavilion. The 40 percent-ers are planning on stopping this by creating a system of monetary distribution that gives the power to the students. This will create a streamlined system that will destroy what makes Duke, Duke. I look back to all of the pointless expenditure in our past and wonder what it would be like without them. Imagine a campus without drug abuse or isolation. A vote for the 40 percent plan is a vote against college values. Would you really wish that on Duke?

Also, this puts The Chanticleer (Duke’s very prominent yearbook) in more Jeopardy than Cameron Kim. As a proud Duke alum, I look back at my five years on campus with pride. But after all the cocaine and frat parties, I can’t remember a second of the glory days. But like Big Mike barreling down campus drive in a C1, The Chanticleer is here to help me. Built in with three pictures of me randomly walking on the Main Quad and making a fool of myself at LDOC, The Chanticleer acts as a time capsule of everything that was important at Duke. And thanks to SOFC, I didn’t have to pay a cent for it. And to top it all off, Duke covered the bill of $103,000 which keeps with that Duke tradition of pissing away money.

Now, you’re probably wondering who are these brilliant young minds that alter the course of your life at Duke. They are no other than the Student Organization Funding Committee. Made up of 14 of the most probably qualified students on this campus, this shadow group controls more of the wealth than a boatload of Young Trustees. But the best part is that they aren’t even elected! Yes, $667,000 of our money is controlled by those that aren’t corrupted by elections or evaluation. We have a team of people that control one of the largest sums of money that directly affects student life, and all they really have to do is win the approval of whoever is chair of the SOFC that year. With no real pressure on them from constituents, SOFC members can kind of just chill. And as all college students know, when you have no pressure to do piles of paperwork, you never put it off or procrastinate. And to be honest, I’ve started to lose faith in the election process. It all just degrades into a poster-making contest. Nowadays, I can’t tell the difference between someone who is running for DSG and someone who is a Me Too Monologue performer.

Also, elected officials are the worst. You know who else was elected to power: Hitler and Obama. (Yeah, I went there. You get your column, then you can write about stuff.) I mean, who needs to deal with all the bureaucracy of elections? The sheer planning alone would be mind-numbing. Where would we get the money?

Am I Right, or am I right?

Right Wing keeps trying to check his privilege, but he can’t find the app on his iPhone.