Intelligence, once thought to be a complex trait created through a mixture of many genes and environmental factors, was proven in a recent study to be entirely determined by a single gene that influences skin color.

“Despite what anyone else may say, there is only one skin color gene, and that same, single gene determines intelligence. There are really no other factors that could be related, at all. We looked into it really hard—there was a lot of science involved, trust me,” stated Richard Goebbels, the study’s head author and chief publicist.

“We based our study on two measures: IQ and skin color.” Goebbels told reporters at his elite country club in Jackson, Miss., where he has lived all his life in his family’s mansion. “After honing in on those two traits, we used complex statistical and genetic algorithms to find that the skin color and IQ gene are actually the same. The only other partially related factor was the X chromosome, which was found to eliminate some intelligence. And women have two of those, so that explains that.” When questioned further about methods of the study, Goebbels stated that they relied on similar techniques as used in an episode of “The Magic School Bus,” but refused to elaborate or confirm that the episode in question was about evolutionary genetics.

Duke University evolutionary anthropology professor Dr. Rosa Franklin criticized the results as misleading and unscientific. “You can’t publish something without a true explicated methodology or peer review. There are too many confounding variables,” Franklin claimed—or something like that, it was too science-y for reporters to care. “Like other publications before it, not only does it demonstrate ignorance about what IQ is and the factors that affect IQ, but it also portrays a sheer lack of understanding of statistics. Correlation does not prove causation. In fact, race is a social construct with no true grounding in biology, so IQ differences between races are likely a result of structural oppression, historically-created socioeconomic inequalities and reduced opportunity—not genetics.” It must be noted, however, that Franklin, a tenured professor at Duke, is black and therefore cannot be trusted on such issues.

Foreseeing this criticism, Goebbels made it clear in interviews that he is, in fact, not a racist. “Now don’t get me wrong—intelligence isn’t everything. Dark-skinned races or, as we refer to them in scientific study, darkies, probably have many other skills. For instance, what they lack in IQ they can make up for in dancing or sports. Plus, I’ve heard they make a mean fried chicken.” Goebbels went on to explain that he has many black employees, with whom he eases the obvious communication barriers their low IQ creates by speaking to them in their native proto-language, “the Ebonics.” In closing remarks, Goebbels noted, “This is just science. No hard feelings.”

Due to the pressing nature of the data to race relations and policy in the United States, Goebbels and his team decided to skip the peer review step of scientific research and go straight to publication. The details of the study can be found in a book, entitled “The Perfect Correlation: Dark Skin and Dumbness in American Life.” Pre-sales already project that the book will top the New York Times bestseller list upon its release.

This study came at an interesting time for Duke University, where just a week ago students walked out on Charles Murray, the co-author of the controversial book, “The Bell Curve.” In the book, Murray and co-author Richard Herrnstein stated that race accounts for variation in intelligence. The authors go on to assert that humans are becoming more polarized in their intelligence, and that the United States will soon be a society where whites and Asians will live in guarded and highly protected reserves to protect themselves from the “menace of the slums.” According to Murray and Herrnstein, genetically lower races will become “permanent wards of the states” unless we reduce immigration and eliminate programs such as welfare that encourage these low-IQ races from having children.

When asked for comment on the policy implications raised by Goebbels’s new book, Murray declined to reply, but instead blew a raspberry at reporters before taking off his clothes and running around, flipping off nearby black children and yelling “Told ya so!”

Beyond the policy suggestions in “The Bell Curve,” Goebbels has some levelheaded ideas of his own about how to combat the eventual idiocracy of a racially diverse United States. In a private interview with The Chronicle, Goebbels suggested politically novel techniques such as exercising strict racial preference when marrying and separating schools by upper and lower race tiers so as to prevent low-race students from holding others back. He also suggests creating public health campaigns to make homosexuality more acceptable in black communities so they do not reproduce. “Oh, and avoid sunlight at all costs,” he stated in closing. “As we all know, skin color can be impacted by environmental factors. Don’t risk tanning yourself dumb.”

Lillie Reed is a Trinity senior. Her column is part of the weekly Socialites feature and runs every other Wednesday. Send Lillie a message on Twitter @LillieReed.