While taking my morning stroll across the Plaza, I couldn’t help but overhear a girl complain to her BFFOALUSGABTYASOL (Best Friend Forever, Or At Least Until She Gets A Boyfriend, Then You’re S.O.L.) that Duke’s “dating” scene is virtually non-existent. She continued to lament about the hookup culture and that the men of Duke had made it a perverse pool of raging hormones and bad decisions.

As a University, we really should take a gander at our cesspool of college kids playing tonsil hockey and sexing each other. How dare our male students go about having premarital sex with those poor, naïve women? It is an absolute crime what the males are doing to our campus. The inferior male gender has turned our once beautiful and chaste University into a hepatitis-ridden ground zero of sin dirtier than Game of Thrones fan-fiction.

As a male, I am personally repentant for the horrible crimes I have committed, measured in time spent talking, holding hands and attempting to get past second base with women. In reflection, it was not right for me to despoil those maidens after they had given me full consent.

In an effort to solve Duke’s horrible case of craven adultery, I propose we look to our friends, the Mormons, not just for unfortunate political leaders, but also for our salvation. Rather than have one male despoil around five women throughout his college career, we should adopt the tried-and-true practice of polygamy.

Now, before everyone gets their monogamous genitalia tied in a bunch, let’s look at the positives of each Duke male having multiple wives. First of all, the women would be married and of child-bearing age. Thus the honor and dignity of each woman is salvaged due to the ring on her finger. (Ring Pops may be substituted for actual rings in the event that a male has more than seven wives and/or is currently low on Flex but high on Food Points.) No longer must we look with disdain upon a student who chooses to be sexually active premaritally. No longer must we worry about how best to scorn that adulteress in math class or that chick who banged Steve Aoki.

Furthermore, if each male has multiple wives, then Shooters suddenly becomes a much more interesting phenomenon. Rather than seeing one drunk train wreck of a one night stand humping in the cage, we shall gaze in delight at a husband and three of his wives (remember kiddies, four person per cage max) happily dancing in the aforementioned iron vessel. When one wife gets too tired or too drunk to continue on in the night’s revelry, the husband simply looks to his second wife. This process embodies the same cooperative strategies as tag-team wrestling while simultaneously doubling the probability of getting action.

“But Mean Boy, how do the women feel about this?”

Great question! The women, although hesitant at first, will learn to love their newfound husband and sister wives. The sister wives provide for each other all of the affection and care that men routinely neglect. Your husband forgot your anniversary? That’s fine. He’s busy trying to remember the other eight. Your sister wives, however, not only remembered it but also made you a cake. Nothing says family like eating a handmade cake from your husband’s third wife with your favorite children-in-law.

Furthermore, women will never have to worry about their husbands cheating on them. You spy your husband hooking up with someone at Shooters? That’s fine! It was probably wife number three, who’s a sloot anyway. No longer must you worry about your man springing for a younger, hotter stranger. Now you can rest easily knowing that he is both happily and legally plowing one of his other faithful wives. Don’t think of it as having to split your husband’s time with other women. Rather, reconcile yourself with the fact that you and your sister wives are collaborating towards your husband’s ultimate satisfaction—as you were built by biology to do. Forget about the outdated adage “happy wife, happy life.” The new and improved Duke University will thrive on the mantra “happy wives when polygamy thrives.”

For the most part, women will finally be satisfied with the campus romance scene. Ladies are always complaining about the lack of relationship culture on campus, and how they can never find a boyfriend or a dating scene. But if we, men, don’t have to settle for just one (probably lame) woman, relationships would become a whole lot more appealing. Women will finally get the commitment of a husband, while men can spread their seed as far as the wind will take it and as many times as matrimony allows. As God intended it.

Although men are responsible for Duke’s immoral status, I believe that we can once again become the resplendent symbol of chaste and chivalry Duke used to be. As long as we are proactive and make honest women out of our female population instead of having a casual hookup scene, we shall no longer struggle with this moral quagmire (giggity) plaguing our campus. Let slut-shaming become a thing of the past as we welcome the new wives, second wives and so on of Duke University.

Mean Boy has 99 problems, and they’re all his wives.